Step Off Your High Horse, Jerko.

"How-Do Neighbors!" That's how the beginning of this months neighborhood newsletter began. Not sure what that actually means, but it's pretty upbeat, wouldn't you say? Written by Jerko on the pool committee. That 3 word sentence turned out to be the only positive part of an article he wrote in attempt to remind the residents of my neighborhood to follow the rules when using the community swimming pool. He spent the rest of it bashing everyone and schooling us on what not to do.

Let's begin, shall we?

The article is titled Pool Updates and has bullets with important information we as residents should always remember. Jerko writes it exactly as I have it written below.

1. Adult swim the last 10 minutes of every hour.
ALL children must take a 10 minute rest period every hour. ALL means just that. ALL. Yours don't get an exemption just because you're in the water with them. PLEASE set a good example for your children and make them follow the rules.

MUST you use caps to relay your rude message angry old man? Everyone knows that caps dictates yelling and sets an angry tone. MUST you flip out and get your panties in a wad and YELL assuming we are complete idiots? We know what all means, Lord knows you don't have to print it 3 times to get our attention. We heard you the first time. Get a grip and stop being so bossy.

2. No glass in the pool area.
The risk of breakage around a lot of bare feet is a safety hazard that is 100% avoidable.
So, let' s avoid it.

So, let's avoid it?? Umm, there a more polite way of addressing hundreds of people when maybe like 3 have violated this glass around the pool situation. Not all of us have disobeyed your rule Jerko. Please don't utilize the italics function to stress your very patronizing point.

3. No alcohol in the pool area.
(The below is Jerko's bullet point, verbatim.)
Did you know that an over indulgence in alcohol will suppress your brain's perceived need for air? Well, it's true, and if you decide that you don't need to come up for air, and you've been drinking, and your under water... what do you think the risk is there? That's right - you could pass out right there under water. Then your automatic breathing mechanism will kick in anyway. What do you think the result will be then?? Let's just avoid that risk too, shall we?

WTF! Are you being serious? Where did you come up with that ridiculous scenario?? We are not in 7th grade Jerko! We don't need what-if scenarios and lessons on our bodies natural fight mechanisms! Who made you the boss of us? And don't say 'shall we', as if that makes your warnings sound any less harsh. How blitzed do you think we get that we are gonna pass out drunk, under water, between the hours of 5:30am - 10pm for God's sake? Really??

Only now do I know NOT to consume 25 beers at the family pool then attempt to drive home! I could crash my car into a gas truck and blow up my entire neighborhood. How come you left out that scenario Jerko? What kind of neighbor would I be then? That's about as reasonable as passing out under water while swimming with my kids.

Did you know that being a big fat jerk doesn't get you anywhere? It's true.

So let's avoid it, shall we?