Saturday, January 31, 2009

Hell Dweeb on Wheels

OMG. Y'all. I found out today like a slap in the face, I am no longer hot shit.

I considered myself hot shit only once in my life. When I was 15 years old. When I could roller skate like a bad ass 15 year old who could roller skate, real bad-ass-like.

I was cool beans to the max and shit. Oh yeah. Me and my friend Amy would hit up Skate World off Anderson Mill and have a total blast. I was the girl who skated past you with the bad-ass look on her face, like, yea... move outta my way, I'm skating past you. OH GOD. I was such a dweeb.

Fast forward 17 years. To Play Land skating rink. With my 3 year old daughter and my husband. The above facts should have set the tone for how this was going to play out...but I still held onto a teeny thread of hope, dreaming that I would lace up my skates (that were missing the pompoms) and hit the ground running. Err..rolling.

Not so much, people. Ok. Remember that one scene in Forest Gump, when young Forest ran down the gravel road with those damn leg braces? OK. That is what I looked like. Except 10x worse.

And Terry. Oh sweet Jesus. No adult male needs to wear skates. It just ain't right. There was never a moment during our skating spree, where I stopped and thought, you know?? THAT'S HOT. It just didn't happen. And then I deliberately searched the rink for the other adult males in skates and found a really buff guy, but seeing him twirl around and skate backward just sucked any bit of sexy out of the whole scenario.

So, obviously things have changed at the 'ole rink since I was a youngster. Except the fact that youngsters still love to skate. And that is why we took Ava out for the afternoon, to give it a whirl. We laced up her tiny skates and all three of us hit the floor. Things moved very slowly from that moment on. Ava cried at first, becoming so frustrated in the manner in which her legs moved, not understanding it takes a while to get your body used to rolling. Then it became manageable for her. She started to walk on the skates, then got the hang of it. Just as it was used when I was a wee lad, the middle of the rink is still used for dorky moms and dads and tiny kids who are learning. We spent a lot of time there, then felt comfortable enough to let loose and have fun! Ava was such a trooper, even saying she wanted to do a Figure Eight, and twirled herself around. :) She made us so proud!

And I think Terry thought I would make him proud when I announced I was going to race. You heard that right. After the hokey pokey, the racing began. When they finally announced the 18+ Girls race, no one skated to the center of the rink. Then the announcer asked if there were any moms out there.... No one ventured out. Then they mentioned grandmothers. REALLY? IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED? Then when the referee threw up his hands to tell the DJ no one was up for it... little 'ole me skated out. It was only then, that a bunch of other women took the rink. I knew immediately I was about to get kicked to the curb. And OMG. I can't even believe I'm posting the video. If you are my friend at this moment, please remain my friend after you witness the complete fool I make of myself.

The afternoon was a hit, a rolling success, if you will. :)

Ava will have these pictures and memories forever, and so will her Mommy and Daddy. When she is older, hopefully she will see us as more than old foagies, trying to do 'hip' things with her. Hopefully she will realize we do those things because we love her!

Lucky Stars

Terry and I met 10 years ago today, at Trudy's. I was with two girlfriends, we were out for drinks, and were sitting upstairs having mexi martinis. I remember glancing thru the glass down toward the front entrance and seeing him walk in. He wore a dark blue dress shirt. I remember thinking he was cute and mentioning him to my friends. A few moments later, he entered the upstairs lounge and he and the friend he was with walked toward us. We were sitting on a couch, all three of us girls, and an empty couch was directly in front of us... after a funny come-on line, Terry and his friend sat down on that couch... looking to talk to us. Terry and I had an immediate connection, and talked for the rest of the evening. When us girls were ready to leave, he walked us downstairs and outside. I said goodbye to my girlfriends and Terry walked me to my car. 10 years later, we are married with two daughters. I thank my lucky stars he stopped in for a beer after work with his friend that night. I simply love him to bits.

He took me to dinner Thursday to celebrate. What I would give for a picture of us that night at

Saturday, January 24, 2009

And You Thought YOUR Kids Were Cute...

Exciting news! Cute and furry news!

My Aunt Diane's goat, Missy, was pregnant with triplets and went into labor yesterday at the vet's office. Although she didn't make it through delivery, the vet was able to save two of her babies! They are both girls and so adorable!

Anybody have any fabulously cute name suggestions?

We suggested Toot & Puddle, after the newest cartoon on Noggin.
The theme song is constantly in our head, and how freaking cute is Toot and Puddle?

Friday, January 23, 2009


My e-mail exchange with Terry today:

Me: "OMG! There is a dying baby roach in our dryer! I leaped out of my skin when I reached in to change the damn filter."

Terry: "I leaped out of my skin when I heard you were using the dryer."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Goodbye Countdown Begins... :(

I imagine there will be plenty more 'goodbye' dinners and get togethers before Annemarie moves to California. One just ain't enough. And since there's no definite time frame for her move, I for see saying goodbye......... a LOT. :)

Renae invited us over for her delicious chili, and to spend some time together with AP.

We had an interesting night. From the gas man showing up to watching the crazy bitches on The Real Housewives, OC. OMG. Have I been under a rock?! Those girls are a train wreck. I love me a good train wreck.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Dinner & Dancing - January

For the new year, we decided once a month we'd leave the kids at home, get out of the house, and enjoy an evening out with a delicious dinner and drinks. We ate at Trudy's then some of us left for a bit of dancing. It was wonderful spending time with just The Girls!! The pictures were plentiful. That's 'fo sho.
p.s. Next week will be 10 years from the night me and Terry met, at the same restaurant.
Crazy how time flies!!

Dancing Queens!

See you next month, ladies!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pumpin' Up the Party!

Happy 7th Birthday KYLIE!!

Love you!
Aunt Bubbie

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

This Isn't a Rave, Slippers

I walked in on Slippers flinging one of Ava's glow-stick bracelets in the air. She had it in her mouth, flinging it around and the next thing I knew she bolted out of the room. I glanced down where she once was and noticed a small hole in the bracelet with pink glowing shit oozing onto my carpet. That's when I heard it. Her collar was jingling like crazy and I knew she was spazzing out. I ran into the living room and saw she was foaming at the mouth. This is when I flipped my shit.

If a child or a cat is expressing any kind of distress, I panic. Yes, I said cat. It happened last week when Grace began choking on a mouth full of goldfish and I threw her into the arms of my good friend Amber, yelling at her to fix Grace, and OMG she's dying and OMG! Grace was fine and just needed a sip of water, but you see right there, I am prone to panic in frightening situations. I skip the whole Examine and Assess the Situation part, and jump directly to the Flipping Out part.

I flipped the frack out when I saw foam coming out of my darling Slippers' mouth. She was choking, and panicking and racing around the house in complete confusion and discomfort. I was sure she was dying! I ran around in circles looking for the phone while Terry hunched over Slippers trying to see if she was actually choking on a piece of plastic, or just foaming, and WTF is all this bubbly shit coming out of her mouth?

I called 311 and begged for an emergency animal hospital, the guy on the line half laughed at me for screaming into the phone while crying, but he did give me the number I needed. And made sure to tell me next time not to call this number unless it was a real emergency.

I yelled out loud for Terry and threw him a syringe I filled with water. I yelled at him to shove it down her throat and then yelled at him again for doing it too fast, was he trying to drown her?!

The vet explained the glowing solution was non-toxic but tasted terrible and advised us to give Slippers water, milk or wet cat food to help flush the taste from her mouth.

All of that..... for a lame and boring response from the vet. I was at the very least hoping to race through traffic, only to be pulled over, then once the cop sees a dying cat in my arms, he gives me a police escort to the hospital where several high-profile vets are waiting with tiny cat stretchers and tiny cat IV's and tiny cat blood pressure monitors that attach to their tiny cat index fingers.

We got none of that. Just a healthy cat. Dammit.

4 by 4

I read a fun post from Liz, and she "tagged" everyone who wanted to do it. Here's how it works.

1. Go to your fourth picture folder.
2. Pick the fourth picture--no exceptions!
3. Post it, and tell about it.
4. Tag four more people.

Folder titled AVA... although the sonogram picture is actually of Grace. She was still over easy, at almost 6 months along. Still gooey in the middle.

I like her gangster pose. With one hand on the knee, she's all like: YO. WORD UP. GET READY BITCHES.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Ohhh, Baby!

My cursor has been blinking at me for 5 minutes straight. I am not even sure where to begin with this post. But one thing I am sure of is this: I have watched the most unbelievable 20/20 episode ever. Ever. Ev. Er.

I drug Terry into our bedroom to watch the DVR'd show and the moment Melissa Vargas introduced the women in the segment, our jaws had already dropped open.

The episode was called BIRTH ORGASMS.

I used capital letters in the title because I wanted to make sure you read it correctly and you realize, as I do, that those two words do not belong together in the same fucking sentence. No they do not! Never once have I associated birth with an orgasm, or an orgasm with birth.

The show highlighted a few pregnant women who state their particular birthing experiences were not painful. In fact, they stated they were anything but painful... but down right pleasurable. It was at this moment I yelled WHAT THE FUCK?!!

These women say they were able to free themselves from perceiving labor as painful, and transform the 'pain' into an erotic sensation thus resulting in orgasm. I will hold a moment while you roll your eyes and laugh your ass off. Cuz I was in awe after hearing that. Not only did I hear it but I SAW it. One woman filmed her baby's birth and as she's bobbing around stark naked in an indoor water tank, she had this slap happy grin on her face... as if to actually be welcoming the contractions and gleefully pushing something the size of a small car out of her wahoo.

The way I remember it, and I remember it very clearly, was just like this:

-2 days past my due date.
-7:45pm - walked with Terry around our neighborhood.
-Arrived home and and plopped my lumpy, out of shape ass on the couch.
-The inside of my wahoo spontaneously combusted.
-Called friend Amy.
-Informed her my insides had exploded and um, is that normal?
-Sat on bed freaking out.
-Terry sat on bed freaking out.
-Called sister.
-Informed sister someone was inside my wahoo with a blowtorch.
-Blowtorch turned on every 11 minutes.
-Yelled at Terry because he blinked while I had a contraction.
-Yelled at Terry.
-Threw car keys at Terry.

I'm hooked into the bed at the hospital and my nurse leaves as I feel another contraction coming. I vomited off side of the bed from the pain. The nurse returned and actually rolls her eyes at me after I inform her she is about to slip on my vomit. That nurse was SUCH a bitch. I never wanted to see her face again. I have terrible luck...she was the admitting nurse for my next child, 18 months later.

Labor pain for me, personally, was a nightmare. The pain rolled in so fast and so powerful that there's just no way I could have trained myself in advance to change the way I perceived the incoming pain, and make it more bearable. It's a fact that if I hadn't received an epidural after vomiting, I would have passed out from the pain. That's just a fact.

I can't imagine floating around in a water tank smiling and having an orgasm during all of this! I have friends who've used mid-wives and held home births, and (gasp!) used no pain medication. That's amazing to me. They are true warriors. But..... none of them had The Big O while pushing out their 8lb. children.

Let me tell you one thing. If my brain was able to transform blowtorch searing-hot labor pains into orgasms, I would have 900 children right now. There's a reason I have just two.

Along with their vagina's, these crazy women need their heads examined during their next prenatal appointment.

Here's the video of these insane women in labor orgasm.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Thank You Taco Bell For Making It So Easy To Quit You

If your New Year's resolution is to find an easy way to stop eating fast food, I've found one for you...

And to those of you that will comment "at least they wore gloves! - and all that positive crappy crap" - They can wear gloves all they want, but they will not accidentally leave one half wrapped inside of my bean burrito with extra onions.

Who knows what dirty little hair follicles and skin flakes my bean burrito with extra onions has now absorbed for me to unknowingly eat?! They might as well have rolled up a used hypodermic needle inside the damn thing.

B to the A.R.F.