Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Never Have I Ever...

Have you ever been in a public restroom walking toward the sink when an automatic deodorizer-spritzer thing spritzes a wet, misty cloud of fresh fragrance directly into your face? Well let me tell you, it's exciting. Say the word spritz out loud. It made made me laugh too. Spritzing. Spritzed. Spritzle. Oooohh! Something should be named Spritzle! If you have a new kitten and you can't decide on a name... go with Spritzle. It's cute.

Have you ever drank an entire bottle of wine by yourself while watching the Emmy's? Well let me tell you, it's exciting.

Have you ever rolled over in the middle of the night and laid your cheek and part of your bottom lip onto cold wet toddler drool? Well let me tell you, it's exciting. And it stinks.

Have you ever gotten out of your car to get the mail when the the top part of your flip-flop, flips underneath the rest of your foot causing you to bash into the mailbox and nearly dislocate your right shoulder? And then look around, praying none of your neighbors saw it happen? Well let me tell you, it's exciting.

Have you ever been nearly stampeded in the rain by 3 goats with horns and a miniature horse because you didn't know they DO NOT like open umbrellas? Well let me tell you, it's exciting.

Have you ever consumed entirely too much wine while watching the Emmy's that you stand in front of the TV in your bedroom pretending that you've just won Best Actress in a Comedy Series? Me neither.

Monday, September 21, 2009

What Could POSSIBLY Go Wrong When You Take Your Dad's Car Out Without Him Knowing?!

Brittany and Brenda were in charge of planning September's GNO. They decided to switch it up a bit and chose Nuevo Leon down on 7th, and then booked us tickets for Esther's Follies!

Pre-evening prom pose.

The eight of us hopped into two cars and hit the road. Melissa drove Brenda, Rachel and me to the restaurant and we searched for a parking spot with no luck. Then boom! We found an open spot along a curb. Then boom! Melissa backs into a huge rock next to the curb. Everyone screamed upon impact - except Melissa... who honestly didn't realize anything had even happened. I opened my passenger door and heard whiizzzzzz. I know whiizzzzzz is a pee sound -but that's all I can think of to describe a tire that is losing air at a very. rapid. rate. Melissa threw it into drive and said she needed to find a spot with more space to change the tire. CHANGE THE TIRE?? OMG! Is she crazy?!!? We needed to find a boy. Boys change tires! But no boys were around. So Rachel saved the day and whipped out her Triple A card and with one quick phone call, the tire was fixed in no time flat. I said flat. heehee. Now we could sit down and have dinner and margaritas with time to spare before the show. I said spare. heehee.

They're smiling, but after I took this, they kicked my ass in the parking lot.

Dinner was delicious and the stories that were told were delicious too! You girls crack me up with the stuff we talk about. Just when I think I've heard it all, someone has something jucier than the last time. LOVE IT!

The show was of course, hilarious! They are always coming up with new bits, revolving around recent news or politics and even the bits they've done for years, still had me laughing outloud! For $25, you can't beat 2 hours of lol'ing with your girlfriends!

Oh. And one last thing. We stumbled into a crime scene while walking back to the car. And I of course had my camera ready to take pictures of any and all possible CSI activity. We did what anyone else would do and ducked under the yellow and black crime scene tape to check things out. Unfortunately, during our investigations, we didn't come across anything exciting. So we did the next best thing and committed our very own crime. Melissa, Tracie and Brenda re-enacted what they thought happened. And for some reason, they imagined a fist fight occurred, so Melissa punched Brenda while Tracey laughed. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what went down that night. We don't have very long rap sheets, so a fist fight seemed pretty crime-y to us. We were having a grand old time until a cop rushed over telling us to get the eff away. Evidently it was an active crime scene. Well excuuuuuse us. We ran off across the street, only after touching a whole bunch of stuff cuz, I mean come on... who gets the chance to say they've tampered with evidence at a crime scene. You should try it. It's lots of fun.

Brenda shows how it helps to squat prior to a punch.

Tracie: Are you sure he didn't he say "get IN the van" ??

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Wish I Knew How To Quit You

I'm almost finished with her book and um... I'm pretty sure I've read more of it out loud to Terry than quietly in my head. She's so damn hilarious I make him pause football or Chopped and read bits and pieces to him. And yea.... he loves that. But I feel like I have to share her hilarity with the world! And I don't have the world - so he's hitting pause a lot. Every night I laugh so hard I spit out my wine. I mean my ice water. And that's a lot of wine. I mean ice water.

She's got priceless Andy Dick stories, maaaaajor family drama, encounters with whack-job celebs and just good old fashioned Hollywood gossip. I loves it. I loves her. What must I do to make her love me?!?

I hope for Terry's sake there's nothing good on TV tonight...cuz he won't be watching much of it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

August 2009

The girls were enrolled in a summer session of preschool during June and July. All of August they were out and we were able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted! August is officially over and tomorrow at 9am the 2009-2010 school year begins for my little girls. This is Ava's third year of preschool. THIRD! It's hard to imagine how I ever dropped her off with diapers, wipes and a sippy cup. Now she rules the hallways like a teenager, chilling with friends in the hallway and talking about what she did over the weekend.

This will be Grace's second year of school. Last year she started off a little unsure, then became the class bully, then the class clown, and now she basically runs the toddler classrooms. Her teacher jokes she's the student council president. She's a take charge kind of kid.

She will have her very first school picture taken in October, I cannot wait to see how that turns out. It will be her very first school picture ever. And I'm sure the one I will remember the most.

August has been a month full of play dates with their favorite friends, swimming parties, arts and crafts, and all around good old fashioned summer fun.

August '09

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


It's been a while and we've got lots to catch up on, so pay attention.

1. An Australian cockroach noted as heaviest insect in the world: If my real friends know one thing about me - it's that I'm deathly afraid of roaches. Dead or alive. Babies, adolescents, adults. Whatever stage of life they are in, they are disgusting little creatures. They have shimmery, greasy wings that want nothing more than to fly into curly hair and lay frothy eggs. Guh-ross. When I lived with my grandma in my early 20's, (don't laugh, we had fun) I ran down the stairs screaming there was a roach in my bathtub. She came upstairs and took one square of toilet paper off the roll, reached in the tub, grabbed its crunchy exoskeleton and ran toward me with it. I squirted her face with a can of aerosol hairspray and told her I would push her down if she came any closer to me with it. She laughed. I was serious.

2. My friend Laura: She just gave birth to triplets. TRIPLETS. GIRLS. THREE OF THEM. AT ONCE. God love her. She's accepting Tylenol PM gift baskets.

3. Jon Gosselin: He's still a dirt bag, just wanted to keep you in the loop.

4. Quentin Tarantino: HOW can people stand to listen to this annoying babbler?! His movies tell amazing stories themselves, but when he was on Conan last week, he attempted to tell a story about him and Brad Pitt in Pitt's living room drinking 5 bottles of wine together and it made NO SENSE and OMG I was so embarrassed just listening to him. I couldn't bear to watch. He might be creative and brilliant, but from 1 to 10, his dork-o-meter reads at an 11.

5. HBO Series, Hung: I love it!!! Because of the acting. Perverts. And because of Lenore.... she's such a bitch! But she's a witty bitch, who's smart. Everyone loves a smart, witty bitch. She cracks me up. I love Ray too. Cuz he's way hot. And his show is called Hung. And I might dream about him at night. And Honey, if you're reading this, the previous statement is pure fiction.

6. Chris Brown: He's still a dirt bag, just wanted to keep you in the loop.

7. Grace's name for muffins: "Nuffins." I pretend I don't hear her ask for them, and make her say it a bunch of times. Nuffins might be the cutest word ever.

8. The Duggar's are having their 19th child: Obviously, she's addicted to the Demerol drip after labor. I mean REALLY? 19 children? How whacked is her uterus by now?! How does her body even know when "it's time?" Does her uterus even contract anymore? I doubt it! After baby #13, I think she just hears crying and looks down to find a newborn squirming under the covers.

9. The Fresh Beat Band: If I have to hear that damned song one more time I'm going to throw myself onto an old rusty paring knife. For serious.

Tiny Dancer from Kara on Vimeo.