I'm All Kinds Of Eff'd Up

Prison life scares the tee tee out of me. I'm hoping that all of the other decent human beings on this earth feel the exact same way. But I might have a deeper fear for it than perhaps the rest of the human population. Maybe I was a felon in a former life, or maybe it's the scummy cells, or maybe it's the chance a pissed off fellow inmate could plunge a rusty shank into my jugular that freaks my shit out. Either way, me no likee prison.

I do however, LOVE prison shows. Not that Prison Break crap. I'm talking raw, hard core prison life documentaries. Where Big-Tex killed a man with a piece of plastic lunch tray he whittled into a knife, then cut the dead guy up into little pieces and flushed each one down his cell's toilet. THAT kind of prison show.

I watch those on MSNBC Investigates, but have seen every single one and am now ready for something different. Oh, my friends. Have I got a sweet treat for you. I've stumbled upon a gem of a prison/locked-up/your-so-screwed documentary. It's been on for several months now and I DVR every episode. Locked Up Abroad. On Nat Geo. Ok. Here's the deal. The majority of the 'victims' in this documentary typically get themselves into trouble on their own, via drug trafficking or smuggling in other countries then end up behind bars in that country. Some of the scenarios involve innocent adventurers who stray too far off the beaten path and find themselves held hostage, "locked up abroad." One recent episode showed two missionaries who were just cold kidnapped by Islamic extremists while working in the Philippines. Hell to the no y'all! Scary shit!

And yet I love it so. One guy swallowed 67 condoms of cocaine and strapped the rest to his chest before leaving Australia for Taiwan to offload the drugs and have a major pay day. Just before passing through airport security to freedom and tons-o-money he was selected for a random pat down. Turns out Australia frowns on that sort of thing. (He had to have surgery to remove the drugs lodged in his intestines. YUM-O.)

Is it troubling I thouroughly enjoy a documentary that illustrates people’s frightening experiences abroad? The answer my friends is no. Cuz you know you like watching that kind of filth too.

Here are the Top 3 most thrilling episodes I've watched thus far:

*The story of a British couple who were caught trafficking drugs from Costa Rica to Amsterdam during a layover in Mexico City and sentenced to 10 years in a Mexican prison. UM. Hi!! Welcome to Mexico!

*Two men recall the four-and-a-half years they spent in a violent Venezuelan prison after they got caught up in an international drug-smuggling ring.

*The story of two American women who were caught trafficking cocaine from Peru and sentenced to six years in a Peruvian prison.
UHHHHH. I would beg inmates to knock me the eff out everytime I woke up. I'd rather be unconscious those six years.

Thank you Nat Geo for bringing such love to my life. You're my new BFF.