Thursday, January 28, 2010

Good Night. Sleep Tight. Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite.

I should have never opened that damn email. I should have never read those reviews. I should have never stared at every single traveler's photo. I should have never thrown up in my mouth a little bit.

Before you see what I'm talking about, go pour yourself a piping hot can of spam-n-beanies, pop open a cold Old Milwaukee and plop your ass on your dirty old lazy boy. That should get you good and ready for what's to come. Because if you actually eat spam-n-beanies and drink that dirty beer, you'll feel right at home when you read this. Oh, and I challenge you to refrain from throwing up in your mouth a little bit. A whole bunch of times.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

When Domesticated Cats Attack: Chipmunk Carnage

My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't concentrate.
I can't have kittens of my own, cuz I've been fixed.
(Which hurt like a BITCH, by the way.)
This tiny chipmunk in this tree is all I think about lately.
His two huge black eyes are tugging at my heart strings.
He needs a mother to love him. I must adopt him.

Come to Momma you adorable sweet furry darling.

Sit here in between my bony legs and my droopy fat sack.
I will keep you warm, and safe from harm.

I praise and thank the Heavens for you, my new chipmunk child.
I shall name you Chocolate Chipmunk.

Uhh, Slippers? What is this thing that just crawled out of your fat sack?
It hopped over here and tried to bite me.

It was a bite and run! Bitch, you BETTER run. I'm comin' for you.

Don't try to scurry under that ottoman, you little shit.

Damn! Chipmunk has HOPS! I see you up there. And my mouth is watering.

I bet you taste guurrrd. Come to papa.

Oh Snap! Bitch made a jump for it!!

Mmm, tastes like chocolate.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

She's A Glutton For Punishment

A little declawed paw to the head never hurt anyone...right?

She Asked For It from Kara

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Kickin' It In Kilgore

We kicked it country style for NYE this year. Our good friends Jeremy and Jennifer had us out to their home outside of Tyler to let our kids play together and ring in the new year. We all four struggled to keep our eyes open to watch the countdown with Dick Clark, which by the way, was um.... super awkward and uncomfortable. I think it's time for Ryan Seacrest to jump in and take over. I'm just sayin'.

Terry was off work the week after Christmas and usually on vacations he goes without shaving. The night before we left for Kilgore I kindly asked Terry take a razor to that shit. He winked and agreed. The next morning we were ready to go and I caught a glimpse of his face. He took a razor to that shit alright, but now had a MOUSTACHE. Dear God. He asked if I had any small combs he could brush it with and spoke the rest of the morning in a french accent. "Oui Oui, baybeee!" Lord help me.

I tried to convince him to pee in a cup during the trip, cuz God forbid anyone see me with him and his moustache. I can't even type the word moustache without cringing. He jumped out of the car at the first pee break and came out of the gas station with a "mask for the girls." Riiiiight.

Even Ava looks embarrassed.


Two cheerleaders and a German beer garden waitress.

I have ABSOLUTELY no comment.

Orange Blossom, Apple Dumplin' and Strawberry Shortcake riding Rowdy.

Here are all of the pictures from the trip!

NYE in Kilgore

Monday, January 4, 2010

A Tale of Two Princesses

Excited & ready for a princess birthday party!

Pissed & crying after realizing she's *not going to the same party.

*Ava so kindly mentioned to her the party was for "big-kid 4 year olds, not tiny baby 2 year olds."

Anyone that knows Grace knows that WENT OVER REALLY WELL.