Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Parental Supervision Required

Same old stuff going on here. Not much new happening. Except yesteday I let the girls out in the backyard to wear their asses out enjoy the beautiful sunshine, and discovered they have their very own way of behaving like hillbilly banchies being creative with their imaginations.

I've got the most AWESOMEST idea.

Hey Ava! Look at ME!

It's totally fun! I feel the 50 degree wind on butt! Awesome!

Here. Look at my pants. Make yours do that.



I'm pulling mine up. Act cool Ava. Pretend we're just chillin'.

She'll never know I started it. Especially by the way I fixed my pants. I'm a totally perfect pants-puller-upper.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

False Advertising

I would love to meet the person who designed the packaging label for a container of barium sulfate liquid. I want to introduce myself to this person and instead of walking up and shaking their hand in a very cordial manner, rather use that same hand to slap them across the face as hard as humanly possible.

How full of shit are you man?! Trying to fool us by designing a label with pictures of vanilla beans, fragrant white flowers and frothy milkshakes with whipped cream squirted atop?? Are you kidding??

Do you think there's even 1 milligram of actual vanilla bean or magnolia essence or whipping cream in this shit? Wait, I know the answer to that question. Because I drank a bunch last night and had the pleasure of having another healthy portion for breakfast this morning. I drank all 450mLs of it and it certainly didn't come close to the lovely goodness that the label suggests. It tasted like chalk, metal shavings, wet toothpick wood and sweet-n-low were thrown in a blender and pulsed on high until it formed consistency of wet cement. Doesn't it sound delightful? I gulped it right down.

Actually, I tried to gulp it right down. As Terry was standing next to me, we pretended it was a "road block" on The Amazing Race and all I had to do was gulp it down in 1 minute and AWESOME! I would win a million dollars! I tried that... um... until right before it hit my top lip... the smell made it's way into my nostrils and I gave up on the Amazing Race. I totally lost a million dollars. Sorry honey, don't be mad.

It took me 30 minutes to drink last night's portion. I drank this morning's portion in 10 seconds flat because the girls were almost late for school. Barium burps are way gross. FYI.

You can imagine how excited I was when the doctor gave me an entire new glass of exciting vanilla milkshake to drink when I arrived this morning. I tried to tell her I already drank what they'd given me and OH GAWD there must be some mistake. Before I took a sip I told her about the whole Amazing Race thing and she laughed and nodded her head, so I laughed too and drank it all. Then she told me she'd never seen the show.