Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I. Can't. Handle. This.

Say it ain't so. This isn't suppose to happen. I'm not ready. It's way too soon.

Ava was in her bathroom with the door shut, playing Beauty Shop with a million hair bands and bows. I was in my bedroom watching The View that I dvr'd this morning. Slippers was sleeping. Joey was licking his you-know-what. All of a sudden...Boom. IT happened. And things will never be the same.

During nap time, Grace decided to get all "Mary Lou Retten" and flipped her little body right out of her crib. In the few seconds before it happened, I could hear her calling out for "Don-tee" which is her stuffed donkey and then I heard a very strange cry. I bolted into her room and found her on the floor in front of her crib, disoriented and very shaken up. She stood up, threw her hands into the air and took a bow. Just kidding about that last part, but for real y'all... THIS AIN'T GOOD. Ava was in her crib until (I'm embarrassed to admit) she was over 3 years old. It never crossed her mind to get out and we exploited that innocence as long as we could. Grace on the other hand...is a total dare devil and would jump her tricycle over 15 school buses if she could find a really long ramp and get going fast enough. She ain't skeered.

I, on the other hand, am scared out of my wits. What do I do now? How do I keep that little tart in her crib at night? She's not even two years old people! I can't just move in a big-girl-bed and tell her "Nitey Nite honey!" and shut the door behind me! She's gonna sneak into my room at night, stand right beside the bed in the pitch dark and whisper "MOMMY, I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" in my ear and I'm gonna knock her in the head with the alarm clock, cuz OMG she just freaked my shit out! Then CPS will be all, "you're going to jail you evil child beater", and OH GAWWWD WHAT DO I DO????

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Sweet Little Treat

How did I live my whole life without you?
You are so delicious and so beautifully messy too.

Creamy, cold, you make me say "Yummy Mommy."
I just stuck you up my nose... I hope no one saw me.

I've scraped and scraped, and scooped you all up,
I've fallen in love with you - you perfect little pudding cup.

You brought a smile to my face and I enjoyed our afternoon,
My mommy says if I'm good, I can eat you again soon.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Friday, March 20, 2009

"What's up Big Perm?... I mean Big Worm?"

"Pssst. I know you don't smoke weed Slippers, I know this...but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cuz it's Friday; you ain't got no job...and you ain't got shit to do!"

(Let's all assume they just shared a joint. Humor me.)

"Look Slippers!...I'm a FRUIT BAT! I'm upside down and stuff!"

"Ha! Ha! Joey, you are so freaking hilarious! You totally make me LOL."

"HA HA! OMG! What the hell is that black shit on the roof of your mouth?!

"Look at me. Lick like this and see if it comes off. Cuz that shit is REALLY gross."

"Okay. Lemme try. Lick like this? How's that. Did that work??"

"The black shit is totally still there. OMG! You should be sooooo embarrassed, I can't stop laughing."

Hopefully, you've seen Friday. If not, I'm a really weird cat lady right now. A really weird cat lady with WAY TOO MUCH time on her hands.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

It's All Over The News And Now I Can't Stop Itching.

A Brazilian Wandering Spider was found in Oklahoma at a Whole Foods store crawling around on top of some bananas. It was technically wandering on top of some bananas... but the strange thing is the bananas he was wandering on top of were actually from Honduras and not Brazil. What was he doing outside of his country? Did he breaststroke his way across the entire Panama Canal and then wander his way hundreds of miles north into Honduras? And is he a He? Or a She? I bet he's a He. I bet he caught his Brazilian spider-wife (who's ass looks great in a thong) cheating with some beef-cake spider with major pecs and a 6-pack. Or maybe he was the cheater, and up and left her for another girl-spider he met once while on a business trip to Honduras. Asshole.

Here he is. Look at his cheating eyes. All 6 of them.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Pick On Someone Your Own Size

Dear The Mom That Has A British Accent & Terrible Communication Skills,

There's a much more mature way of saying what you said today. Next time you might want to take your frustrations out on ME and not my three-year-old kid. You tried making a point by acting ugly toward her and I don't appreciate it one bit. Nor did her teacher who agreed you were out of line and apologized to me several times for your behavior. Or 'behaviour', as you probably spell it.

I can't wait to run into you at school the next time we drop our kids off into the same classroom at the same time. IT SHOULDN'T BE AWKWARD OR ANYTHING.

Hugs and X's and O's, and other shit I don't mean,

Ava's Mother.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Bye Annemarie!

Only 3 more days in Austin, then she'll be driving out west,
I say 'Poop Loops' that she's leaving, but I honestly wish her the best.

Annemarie always giggles at my jokes and can make my daughters laugh,
If for a second she thinks I won't miss her, she just doesn't know the half.

She'll be thousands of miles away from here, but I don't have to fret,
I think she'll be in good hands, you better take care of her, Brett!

I will miss you Miss Priss, without you here it won't be the same,
Hopefully this poem is cute and not weird, cuz you know I'm not lame.

Have a blast in Santa Barbara and make sure to Blog every single day,
I can't wait to read about your adventures you have along the way.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Bubble Baby

I have a little turtle,
Her name is Tiny Tim
I put her in the bathtub,
To see if she could swim.
She drank up all the water,
and ate up all the soap,
Now she has the hiccups,
From bubbles in her throat.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Single White Female

We had a knock at our door yesterday and I noticed it was Ava's BFF and soul mate 8 year old neighbor friend Katie. She handed me a birthday invitation and before I could snatch it out of her hand and whisper RUN HOME HONEY, AVA'S COMING TO THE DOOR, Ava was now at the door, standing in between me and Katie, drooling all over the fact that KATIE'S AT MY HOUSE! KATIE'S HERE! OMG! MY FRIEND! KATIE! I LOVE HER SO MUCH OMG!

She's such a sweet kid. She plays with Ava even when I'm sure she'd rather be home doing 8 year old stuff, and so not the 3 year old stuff... like drawing hopscotches all over our driveway, making chalk hearts for Ava, and writing their names together. It really is cute. Ava is in awe of everything Katie does.

There have been times when Katie's parents and Terry and I pull into our driveways at the exact same time and they actually wait for us to get into our house before they exit their vehicle. We just make eye contact with each other to signal: YES AVA SAW YOU GUYS PULL UP AND KNOWS KATIE IS IN THERE SO PLEASE KEEP HER ON THE FLOORBOARD OF YOUR TRUCK UNTIL AVA IS INSIDE WITH THE BLINDS CLOSED. Seriously. She's that in love with this little girl.

It's basically bordering on Single White Female at this point. I know to be concerned if Ava starts talking strange when they play together, saying:

Katie: "I know you weren't yourself when you did this, Ava."
Ava: "I know, I was YOU."

That might be a red flag.

Monday, March 2, 2009


There is only one woman on this planet that can make me laugh so hard I can't breathe.

She's going on tour again this year and this time around I will catch a show. I don't care if I have to drive to Houston or Dallas, I will be there. Last year, I woke up to find she had been here in Austin the night before, and I sobbed for the rest of the day. All day. For serious.

She's just been offered 2 million to write her memoir and I'M SO EXCITED! She deserves every single penny and them some.

I Love You Kathy!