Ohhh, Baby!

My cursor has been blinking at me for 5 minutes straight. I am not even sure where to begin with this post. But one thing I am sure of is this: I have watched the most unbelievable 20/20 episode ever. Ever. Ev. Er.

I drug Terry into our bedroom to watch the DVR'd show and the moment Melissa Vargas introduced the women in the segment, our jaws had already dropped open.

The episode was called BIRTH ORGASMS.

I used capital letters in the title because I wanted to make sure you read it correctly and you realize, as I do, that those two words do not belong together in the same fucking sentence. No they do not! Never once have I associated birth with an orgasm, or an orgasm with birth.

The show highlighted a few pregnant women who state their particular birthing experiences were not painful. In fact, they stated they were anything but painful... but down right pleasurable. It was at this moment I yelled WHAT THE FUCK?!!

These women say they were able to free themselves from perceiving labor as painful, and transform the 'pain' into an erotic sensation thus resulting in orgasm. I will hold a moment while you roll your eyes and laugh your ass off. Cuz I was in awe after hearing that. Not only did I hear it but I SAW it. One woman filmed her baby's birth and as she's bobbing around stark naked in an indoor water tank, she had this slap happy grin on her face... as if to actually be welcoming the contractions and gleefully pushing something the size of a small car out of her wahoo.

The way I remember it, and I remember it very clearly, was just like this:

-2 days past my due date.
-7:45pm - walked with Terry around our neighborhood.
-Arrived home and and plopped my lumpy, out of shape ass on the couch.
-The inside of my wahoo spontaneously combusted.
-Called friend Amy.
-Informed her my insides had exploded and um, is that normal?
-Sat on bed freaking out.
-Terry sat on bed freaking out.
-Called sister.
-Informed sister someone was inside my wahoo with a blowtorch.
-Blowtorch turned on every 11 minutes.
-Cried.
-Yelled at Terry because he blinked while I had a contraction.
-Yelled at Terry.
-Threw car keys at Terry.

I'm hooked into the bed at the hospital and my nurse leaves as I feel another contraction coming. I vomited off side of the bed from the pain. The nurse returned and actually rolls her eyes at me after I inform her she is about to slip on my vomit. That nurse was SUCH a bitch. I never wanted to see her face again. I have terrible luck...she was the admitting nurse for my next child, 18 months later.

Labor pain for me, personally, was a nightmare. The pain rolled in so fast and so powerful that there's just no way I could have trained myself in advance to change the way I perceived the incoming pain, and make it more bearable. It's a fact that if I hadn't received an epidural after vomiting, I would have passed out from the pain. That's just a fact.

I can't imagine floating around in a water tank smiling and having an orgasm during all of this! I have friends who've used mid-wives and held home births, and (gasp!) used no pain medication. That's amazing to me. They are true warriors. But..... none of them had The Big O while pushing out their 8lb. children.

Let me tell you one thing. If my brain was able to transform blowtorch searing-hot labor pains into orgasms, I would have 900 children right now. There's a reason I have just two.

Along with their vagina's, these crazy women need their heads examined during their next prenatal appointment.

Here's the video of these insane women in labor orgasm.