Skillet Ready in Nine Minutes!

The Bulging Worm: Just good old-fashioned, albeit nasty, nature. If nature had a 1-800 customer service number I would have called her and bitched about how my stomach almost digested a see though, overweight worm with a face. It had eyes y'all. And they were big. And black. And STARED AT ME.

The Taco Bell Glove: Disgusting. Imagining how that even happened had to be left up to my imagination. Which ran wild and left me feeling even more grossed out.

And now.. the trifecta:

Last night I cut open a bag of Bertolli Shrimp, Asparagus and Penne and tossed it into a skillet. The last thing to slide out was NOT a piece of shrimp, asparagus or penne pasta. One of these things was NOT like the others.

I picked up the unidentified frozen item and knew exactly what it was. I called Terry's name and brought him the foreign object I found in our frozen dinner. I asked him to tell me what it was. He held it in his hand. Twirled it around. He smelled it and said, "It's wood." I said, "From what?" He said "Follow me." I followed him into the office where we have a huge fake ficus tree in an enormous wooden basket. He said, "It's from here." He held it up to the basket then said "No, wait. It's not, it doesn't match." I said, "That's because I FOUND IT IN OUR BERTOLLI DINNER."

For serious. A chunk of wood. It's now actually two chunks of wood because Terry couldn't leave it alone and had to play with it, finding a way to prove me wrong about it being a WOOD.

But he finally agreed.

HOW? How on Earth does a piece of wood end up in a sealed bag containing frozen food?

I'm okay with the grub worm, that was understandable. I'm even okay with the glove wrapped up in my burrito, shit happens. But WOOD? Off of an assembly line? You can't convince me it's a portion of a wooden spoon an Italian Bertolli chef was using to stir his latest creation of Bertolli favorites. Unless Unilever Corp. actually employs real chefs in their factories. A bunch of frozen vegetables and shrimp are shipped to a factory, sent down a line and shoved in a bag. There should be ZERO possibility anything other than food entering the bag.

I'd love to know where this piece of wood originated. Terry ate the meal anyway. I, however, promptly dumped my portion in to the trash can. Who knows what that thing is! It's coated with a bit of a purple-ish stain which in my opinion isn't a color on the color wheel.

I called the 800 number on my bag was informed their food is manufactured in 'nests' at different sites then frozen separately, and that it is most likely wood off of a pallet one of the vegetables was shipped inside.

They are reimbursing me in the large cash amount of $8.00. Which is almost double what I paid for it.

Score. Anyone for a Chic-fil-A sandwich with those super big funds? I'm buying!

Also, I suppose the wood is better than what this unsuspecting lady from New Zealand found when she emptied a bag of frozen Green beans.....

Yes my friends. It's the decapitated head from a tiny little field mouse. Kind of cute, eh?

I'll take wood any day.

That's what she said.