Work It Out

I have a girlfriend, Brandey who talked me joining her at a Pilate's class she takes one day a week at the Y.
I agreed and have been fairly good about going. I love it. It's slow, and I like the ab work/stretching and it's just my speed.

I've been fairly petite my entire life and have always struggled with building muscle. In 9th grade gym class, while every single other girl in my grade lifted weights, I couldn't lift THE BAR without weights. For serious. I had a spotter and everything. I was a pathetic weakling. So, now that I've had kids and am older, I'm making an effort to not be such a pathetic weakling.

Since Brandey took the initiative to invite me to one of her Pilate's classes, I decided to switch things up and ask her to join me in another class at the Y. Even though she works out multiple times a week and probably has no time to fit anything else in... I asked. She agreed. The class description seemed right up my alley: toning muscles via low-cardio exercise. May I remind you, Pilate's is like the most low-impact exercise on the planet and I figured this new class would be about the same. I'd rather build muscle than lose any weight.

We showed up to class. The first thing I noticed was a Beyonce song blaring from a radio. Loud as hell. That should have been my first clue as to how bad of a TRAIN WRECK this would become. I see people setting up those step things, and getting out like 8-10 lb. dumb bells. OH JESUS. I expressed my concern to Brandey, who laughed at me as she started jumping to and fro on her little step-thingy. Moving hands up and down, and left and right. And OH MY GOD Y'ALL. I am sooooo NOT COORDINATED. I jumped onto my step-thingy and tried to keep up but WHY IS EVERYONE MOVING SO FAST?? And why am I sweating after 11 seconds of jumping up and down with total lack of rhythm?

At this point, Brandey is laughing hysterically. Seriously. To her, it's a breeze and was keeping up no problem. I on the other hand... fainted when the instructor yelled for us to jump off of our little step-thingies, and instructed all of us to GO RUN AROUND THE ENTIRE BUILDING.

TWICE.

Ex-cuh-uuuuse me?!?!

I didn't sign up for this shit!!! I don't .... RUN! Maybe when I'm taking my kids to school, I run... to get their little butts inside and in their seats as quickly as possible so I can meet my friends for breakfast, but I don't like, run run. Brandey made me do it. I ran around the building...almost twice. All the while sweating bullets while everyone else was leisurely jogging and some how talking all at the same time. I could barely breathe and felt like my intestines were forcing their way out of my abdomen wall. How the hell is this classified as LOW-CARDIO?!?! I get thru the running. Whew. We are now back inside on the step-thingies. Jumping to and fro. Except I can't get the rhythm down and out of like twenty people, I'm the only one confused on which leg goes up/down and which arm to raise when, and now I'm having to add kicks and struts or whatever the hell they are called and I'm a total mess. Brandey is now trying as hard as she can to not laugh. And failing miserably.

And then, my worst nightmare comes true: the instructor calls me out. "Hey, in the back! Don't worry girl! You'll get it! Not everyone goes at the same speed!" Which I'm sure is code for: You're embarrassingly pitiful, so please get the hell out of my class because your flailing arms are distracting everyone.

It's 9th grade all over again! But this time Beyonce is on the radio and I'm sure they think I dance like this too! (Which I don't by the way. Right friends?!?!?)

I'm failing miserably, then the hellish instructor squeals: "AROUND THE BUILDING AGAIN!"
And this time, I am to stop at the basketball court and toss a basketball back and forth to a partner while running sideways. Doesn't this bitch know that if I can't master a simple old-school jazzercise move like jumping to and fro on a step-thing, that I will in NO WAY be able to handle this new task?? I try. Brandy is laughing at my failure (in a loving manner, I assume) and barely sweating. Bitch. OMG. This is like boot camp! This isn't toning and slowly utilizing your core to build strength and stamina!!

I apologize, but I will not inform you of how the remaining 45 minutes of class went. Mostly because by that point I'd thrown my step-thingy back where it belonged and stumbled out of there in search of an EMT.