Don't Be Shy! Come On, It's Tee Tee Time!

This year is the very first year I've shopped almost completely online for Christmas presents. Amazon has delivered nearly every single present under my tree. This morning while on their site searching for things having to do with 'travel', I somehow stumbled upon... um... this Christmas must-have:

Big deal.

So it's just a PERSONAL URINAL.

Except it's also just a PERSONAL URINAL.

And the pictures of the product are the best part.

Here's my favorite:

Look! It's easy and durable enough for even a humongous horse to pee into it from nearly a foot away!

Then all you have to do is pray all that horse pee has turned into gel, and flip it upside down to see if it worked!

How can this company even market this like it's a serious item?? I read a few of the reviews and a lady that drives almost 70 miles to and from work bought hers because she "doesn't have time to pull off the highway and walk into a restroom."

She states she "simply unrolls, positions it, and goes!"

Well, VIOLA!!

This shit must be easy!

So the next time I'm driving to grandma's house with the girls, there's no need to pull over when I feel the urge. I can simply focus on the road while I dig through my purse, find my urinal, take out the lip stick tube that fell inside of it, unroll it, drive with my knee while I pull off my jeans, wiggle down my underwear, take both hands off the wheel to place my trusty personal urinal against my body and then ....AHHHHH.

That IS easy! And SO SAFE!

And then of course, hurry to pull everything back into place before a semi-truck driver pulls up next to me and wonders what the hell I've been up to.

In my opinion, there are only two types of people on this planet that could POSSIBLY need a plastic bag urinal. Those that are bedridden and don't have the means to get up and travel to the potty, or bat-shit crazy lady astronauts involved in a fatal attraction with a co-worker astronaut. And that bat-shit crazy lady astronaut missed her chance when she decided to drive cross country with an adult diaper on, when CLEARLY, the perfect choice would have been the Personal Urinal.

It's so much more dignified than a diaper.

Whoo Whoo

Things that Gracie says that ARE acceptable:

"Cream of the week." (cream of wheat)
"Vegetavle. (vegetable)
"Vestival." (festival)

Things that Gracie says that are NOT acceptable:

"Whatever. I'm wearing mascara today."
"I'm being Nikki Minaj when I grow up!"
"Look at my bras! My husband is trying to get me."

---

While shopping for Christmas presents (that aren't for her...)

Gracie:
Mommy! Look! Can you buy this tea set for me!?

Me:
Honey, no. We're only here to buy things for other people.

Gracie: *with her arms crossed and now yelling as loud as humanly possible*

YOU'RE GONNA BUY STUFF FOR YOUR GUESTS AND NOT BUY ANYTHING FOR YOUR OWN CHILD?  DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT A CHILD??!

So, she's basically a Screech Owl. All compact and and cute with those beautiful, enormous eyes. And if provoked, scratches off your face with some big-ass claws you never knew were inside those tiny, furry feet.

Winter | 2011

Two and a half years ago I averaged almost 20 blog posts a month.

Fast forward to today ~ I'm barely pushing 1. Yeesh.

I was on a roll back then. I couldnt help but stumble upon something crazy or hilarious that happened to me or around me. I miss the days when I sat in front of my monitor and typed up a quirky story quickly and effortlessly. It must be the older and more active my girls become, the harder it is for me to take time, or justify my time, sitting in front of my monitor blabbing on and on.

Hopefully this post will be the first of a whole lot more. Whether you like it or not.

In full Kara style, what better way to kick off a blogging frenzy than with PICTURES!

Of kids!

And their parents!

Thank you Samantha Tran for a fun photo filled morning!

Brave Little Bean

My dad and I were shopping at Highland Mall (most likely for Umbro shorts and Swatch watches) when we came upon The Piercing Pagoda kiosk. My dad had the 'okay' from my mom to let me do what I'd been wanting forever. 

Finally have my ears pierced. 

He held my hand while the marker was dotted on each ear, and within seconds it was all over. He then took me into the food court and bought me a strawberry/banana smoothie, my favorite. We hung around the mall for a while, and I remember walking through Dillard's, my dad stopping here and there to check out the leather furniture. I still smell the leather of the couches, and the aromas of shampoo and hairspray permeating outside of Visible Changes as we walked out of the mall to head home.

I was eight years-old.

I will never forget that afternoon. The earrings my dad chose were little gold knots. I would give anything to have those, my very first pair of real earrings.

Today is another one of those memorable days. 

The day Ava had her ears pierced.

Instead of a half baked teenager working at a mall kiosk, my sister Dana was the one to do the honors for Ava today. I couldn't have asked for anyone more special. Knowing that Ava talks incessantly about nothing, and cant control her laughter when she's nervous, her Aunt Nanna calmly and clearly explained what she was about to do, and what to expect after it was over.

The tears came to my eyes the moment the first one was pierced. Ava, completely shocked, stared directly into my sisters face anticipating  her response... and when Dana gave her a big smile, Ava knew it was going to be alright. After a quick and happy high-five, the other ear was next.  Boom. She barely felt it. Ava counted aloud to ten, then let out a deep breath, smiled, and ran to the bathroom for a look in the mirror.

I can only hope Ava remembers this day, this special event in her young life.

The day when her Aunt Nanna came over and pierced her ears when she was six years-old.

 And gave to her, her very first pair of real earrings.

10.13.11

Ava, today you turned SIX years old. Your little sister gave you a huge Happy Birthday Hug first thing in the morning. She mentioned you even looked bigger today. You told her, "Of course, it's because I'm six!"

We love you so much!

~Mom & Dad

Drum Roll Please

I have absolutely no musical talent what so ever. Sure, I might have been in a music class or the choir in middle school, but I'm pretty sure it was because all of the other electives were filled and they only needed that special someone with zero talent who was okay with settling for tapping on a glockenspiel during the gifted children's performances.

That special someone was me. And I was the BOMB at the glockenspiel.

I'm not afraid to belt out some soulful Adele in my car and sing some serious Rhianna in the shower, but as far as natural music talent goes... I got nothin'.

Terry on the other hand comes from quite the musically talented family, his sister and all of his brothers' are all experts at singing or playing an array of instruments, or both. Terry taught himself himself how to play the drums when he was a kid, and he recently set up a small portion of his drum kit in Grace's room so the girls could play around when they have their friends over. Ava took quite the liking to them and Terry has been giving her lessons.

She's picked it up in a hurry.... and then there's Grace.
Grace would rather sing a jumbled up version of the alphabet, turrets style.



Drum Roll Please from Kara on Vimeo.

Come On. Gimme An 'A' For Effort

So this is the first 'full week' of Kinder for Ava and things are going swimmingly. I love that term. Swimmingly. It reminds me of 'Dory' in Finding Nemo. She was so cute. And she couldn't help but loose track of her thoughts.

Um...

Oh. Ava... yes.

It's great. Ava LOVES school.

With one ever-so-gentle arm touch in the morning, she scares the shit out of me yelling, "Is it school?!" and then leaps out of bed and is dressed and making her own breakfast in like 6 seconds flat. It's crazy, the amount of drive this kid has, in kindergarten, of all things.

I can hear her in ten years, waking up all, "Are the SAT's today?!?!? AWESOME, I GOTSTA GO!"

Boy, she and I really couldn't be any different.

OK, so Her Teacher. She's super sweet.

I thought I'd start off on the right foot by volunteering for Tuesday Folders...Workroom Helper... and various other light duties that keep me involved in the Going's On, but far, far away from The Crazies. (You know who they are. Those Other Mom's.)

So, during Meet The Teacher Night before school started, I signed up to make and bring in gingerbread cookies for a Gingerbread Man Hunt, where the kids go around and search for gingerbread men and it helps familiarize themselves with the layout of the school, and such. My job is to bring a dozen gingerbread 'girls' to school tomorrow so the teacher can hide them in secret spots and and the wee children can look to-and-fro for those pesky, hiding gingerbread men, then eat them all up!

Except for one thing.

The eating them all up part.

You understand it's August right?

And the season for gingerbread cookies was like, EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

And I don't do HOMEMADE STUFF.

So the only thing on the shelf, IN AUGUST, that doesn't involve one of those fancy mixer things (where I'm forced to do it the REAL WAY with flour and baking soda, or is it powder, and all of those other fancy ingredients), was one box of Gingerbread Cookie Mix.

The whole grain kind. Gluten free. No sugar.

Grace watched me mix it all up and said, "Mommy, it looks like sand. With dirt inside, also."

Yes Grace.

YES IT DOES.

And I'm pretty darn sure it tastes like sand with dirt inside, also.

I cannot imagine any five or six year-old liking these things. And I certainly cannot imagine them liking their shapes either, because I made these cookies at 9 o'clock tonight after Ava went to sleep (since it's a surprise) and after a long day, my contacts were all dried out, my rolling pin was barely working trying to roll out basically WHOLE OATS with sand and dirt and water mixed in, it didn't go too well.

So I thought I'd remedy the situation by decorating my newborn gingerbread girls.

OMG!

Her juvederm injections were clearly done by an unlicensed dermatologist.

What a HACK JOB.

At least she's a blond. That will get her somewhere. And is it just me, or does she have a hernia in need repair, or could that be a cesarean-section that went horribly wrong?

I have a feeling the teacher will keep any future volunteer sign-up sheets far, far away from Ava's Mom.

Newborn To Kindergarten At Warp Speed

Wasn't it just yesterday you had your first birthday?

Look at you now.

You're such a Big Kid.

 You weren't at all afraid on your very first day of Kindergarten.

You kissed your Mom and Dad good-bye and walked away with a smile.

We are proud of you, sweet Ava.

ACL Live - Miranda Lambert Studio Taping

I received an email from Terry Tuesday morning stating the following:

Honey:
Nonnie will be over tomorrow night to watch the girls. She'll be over around 5:30.

YOU AND I HAVE PLANS! Attire: Cute dress. We'll be indoors, you'll need to eat something before we go.

Love you,
T

OMG I love surprises!!!
But the whole 'eat before we go' thing knocked dinner plans out of my thoughts - so... could it be a movie, a play? I had no clue.

My mom and sister knew what he was planning, but of course, kept it to themselves. POOR SPORTS!!

So now it's Wednesday, 5:30pm, and my mom shows up right on time. She sends us off with a smile and
we head toward downtown. I pulled down my passenger side sun visor/mirror and a piece of paper fell into my lap. I opened it up and the first words that caught my eye were: Congratulations and Miranda Lambert. HOLY CRAP!!! WUT!?!?!

He had entered his name into a drawing for stage level passes to the Miranda Lambert live studio taping at Austin City Limits! And won!

While waiting in line to get inside, we ran into our friend Sara and her dad, who also had tix, and they partied/danced/sang right along with us. It was awesome!

Miranda is one helluva firecracker... she's super short, has great legs, wore glittery stiletto's and a leather and lace black mini dress and rocked her little country heart out! Along with a dozen other of her songs, she sang two songs with her new band, Pistol Annie, and of course rocked the house with Hell on Heels. So fun!

The night was a total blast and the four of us ended up with major camera time. Way more than 15 minutes of fame! Ha! I can't wait until the October airing, I'm sure we will laugh the whole time we see ourselves, having a great time dancing like fools and not givin' a damn!

It was a night I won't forget, and I am thankful to have a man in my life that gets such a kick out of surprising me and seeing me happy.

Thanks Honey!!!!

Sunning, Swimming and Side-Splitting Laughter

That about sums up Last Friday Night ....


5th Annual Girls Weekend from Kara on Vimeo.

Red White and Blue

"The One with the Dance Off"

"Um, we have to do what SHE DOES!! She didn't TAKE A BOWEL!"


Morning Dance Party! from Kara on Vimeo.

Pop Goes The Police Batton Over Your Teenage Heads

I'm now available to be hired as a sketch artist for crime scene reenactment purposes.

Check out my latest piece.
 

It's spot on, people.

Talent like this doesn't just present itself in every Stay At Home Mom, y'all.

Ava could tell the story MUCH BETTER than I could... but she can't type and can barely spell C-A-T, so I will be taking care of the story-telling here.

OK. Glance at the crime scene sketch I have prepared for you above.

What do you see?

If you said...

1. A side view of an index finger with sweet 20" rims and police sirens

2. A crazy-haired Q-tip

3. Bombs bursting in air

4. A misshapen penis next to two zombies with graduation caps on

You are SADLY MISTAKEN. And shame on you for your poor interpretation.

What you SHOULD SEE is the following:

1. A police cruiser (with sweet rims)

2. Me parked along next to him, with obvious PERFECTLY UPRIGHT POSTURE

3. Three total douche bag teenage boys, peering over a brick wall

4. Water balloons bursting thru the air

Oh yes I did folks, I called the PO PO on those MO FO'S.

I swear to God it sounded like I ran over a dead bloated goat when it happened. I was driving down a quiet neighborhood street while on the phone with Terry and all of a sudden yelled OHMYGAWDWHATWASTHAT?! Then hung up. (Hindsight: Don't do that to your husband if you are ever in my situation... their reaction might not be the best...) I quickly pulled over and got out to see about the bloated goat when I saw water droplets on the rear passenger wheel well. I jumped back into the car and turned around headed toward where I'd hit the goat. That's when I saw it. Saw THEM... the little shits. Three teenagers were peering over a brick wall laughing and hurling bright orange water balloons at passing vehicles.

Awwww naaaahhhh, yo. My tiny, white-girl ghetto side came out and I leaped out of the car, and yelled at those little shits. Then hopped back in the car and called 911. I told the dispatcher I'd been hit with a water balloon when BOOM! Another pelted the roof of my car. Aww HALE NAHHH! I jumped out of the car, hung up with the dispatcher after she said she was sending someone out, I turned on my phone's video camera and peeked thru the fence next to the wall. They had scattered. The little shits.

The cop showed up and asked me all sorts of questions, checked for damage to the rear of my vehicle, then said he would take care of it.

I wanted him to get rough with them and 'teach them a lesson' but he must have had better things to do because he totally drove away after I got back in my car. He must have had a donut waiting for him back at the station.

Oh, and the oval shaped turd looking things between my car and the police car are the police man's footprints. Ava wanted to make sure I drew footprints to show the cop walking toward us. 

Now that I think of it, maybe the cop sped off to go pawn the the huge 600-karat diamond ring on the roof of his car.

Father's Day

GW Lodge

4 kids... 4 adults... 2 nights... LOTS-O-FUN!!!


Great Wolf 2011 from Kara on Vimeo.

You'll Thank Us When It's 105 Outside

It happens every summer.

And every summer she struggles with strategic sitting positions in an attempt to hide her newly naked girlie parts.

Slow It Down There, Little Girl

I'm all for you growing up, but this is ridiculous.

Two teeth and a preschool graduation within 11 days - let's just take a break from all of the Getting Big for a while, mkay?

Don't Blink

I am so fortunate to have witnessed every laugh, tear and milestone our sweet Ava has experienced.

She played with Play-Doh her first day of preschool, and showed me how she could count by five's to one-hundred during her graduation.

We are so proud of her!

KDO class of 2011! 

Tossing their caps!

"We're Outta Here!"

We's Country Bumpkins

I'm too tired and lazy to type an introduction for this blog post

Double click below

I'm even too tired and lazy for proper punctuation

He HAS WHISKERS

How cute are HIS WHISKERS

Hyatt Wild Oak Ranch - San Antonio

The Tiny Tooth Fairy Cometh

Last night, after dinner, we gave Ava and Grace some chocolate covered strawberries for dessert.  Ava took her first bite into the hard chocolaty exterior and yelped with pain. That set in motion an hour-and-a-half long waiting period for Ava to feel comfortable enough for me stick my fingers in her mouth and see what was going on.

The one tooth that had been loose for weeks, finally decided it was time to come out. I placed my pinkie finger on the back of the tooth and it plunged forward. While I cringed on the inside from how creepy it felt, Ava panicked on the outside. She called her cousin Kylie to ask advice on how to handle the loose tooth, and Kylie said she needed to twist it around in order to loosen it up. To which Ava's response was to make a gagging noise and cry hysterically.

While Daddy and Grace watched from the bed, I did my best to assure Ava that if she let me pull her tooth, I would promise not to hurt her. We pinkie promised she would be brave and I would be quick...and with a panicked jerking back motion of her head...Ta Da! The tooth was out.


Lil' Miss Drama And Her Momma from Kara on Vimeo.

So proud of My Girl!