Pop Goes The Police Batton Over Your Teenage Heads

I'm now available to be hired as a sketch artist for crime scene reenactment purposes.

Check out my latest piece.
 

It's spot on, people.

Talent like this doesn't just present itself in every Stay At Home Mom, y'all.

Ava could tell the story MUCH BETTER than I could... but she can't type and can barely spell C-A-T, so I will be taking care of the story-telling here.

OK. Glance at the crime scene sketch I have prepared for you above.

What do you see?

If you said...

1. A side view of an index finger with sweet 20" rims and police sirens

2. A crazy-haired Q-tip

3. Bombs bursting in air

4. A misshapen penis next to two zombies with graduation caps on

You are SADLY MISTAKEN. And shame on you for your poor interpretation.

What you SHOULD SEE is the following:

1. A police cruiser (with sweet rims)

2. Me parked along next to him, with obvious PERFECTLY UPRIGHT POSTURE

3. Three total douche bag teenage boys, peering over a brick wall

4. Water balloons bursting thru the air

Oh yes I did folks, I called the PO PO on those MO FO'S.

I swear to God it sounded like I ran over a dead bloated goat when it happened. I was driving down a quiet neighborhood street while on the phone with Terry and all of a sudden yelled OHMYGAWDWHATWASTHAT?! Then hung up. (Hindsight: Don't do that to your husband if you are ever in my situation... their reaction might not be the best...) I quickly pulled over and got out to see about the bloated goat when I saw water droplets on the rear passenger wheel well. I jumped back into the car and turned around headed toward where I'd hit the goat. That's when I saw it. Saw THEM... the little shits. Three teenagers were peering over a brick wall laughing and hurling bright orange water balloons at passing vehicles.

Awwww naaaahhhh, yo. My tiny, white-girl ghetto side came out and I leaped out of the car, and yelled at those little shits. Then hopped back in the car and called 911. I told the dispatcher I'd been hit with a water balloon when BOOM! Another pelted the roof of my car. Aww HALE NAHHH! I jumped out of the car, hung up with the dispatcher after she said she was sending someone out, I turned on my phone's video camera and peeked thru the fence next to the wall. They had scattered. The little shits.

The cop showed up and asked me all sorts of questions, checked for damage to the rear of my vehicle, then said he would take care of it.

I wanted him to get rough with them and 'teach them a lesson' but he must have had better things to do because he totally drove away after I got back in my car. He must have had a donut waiting for him back at the station.

Oh, and the oval shaped turd looking things between my car and the police car are the police man's footprints. Ava wanted to make sure I drew footprints to show the cop walking toward us. 

Now that I think of it, maybe the cop sped off to go pawn the the huge 600-karat diamond ring on the roof of his car.

Father's Day

GW Lodge

4 kids... 4 adults... 2 nights... LOTS-O-FUN!!!


Great Wolf 2011 from Kara on Vimeo.

You'll Thank Us When It's 105 Outside

It happens every summer.

And every summer she struggles with strategic sitting positions in an attempt to hide her newly naked girlie parts.

Slow It Down There, Little Girl

I'm all for you growing up, but this is ridiculous.

Two teeth and a preschool graduation within 11 days - let's just take a break from all of the Getting Big for a while, mkay?

Don't Blink

I am so fortunate to have witnessed every laugh, tear and milestone our sweet Ava has experienced.

She played with Play-Doh her first day of preschool, and showed me how she could count by five's to one-hundred during her graduation.

We are so proud of her!

KDO class of 2011! 

Tossing their caps!

"We're Outta Here!"

We's Country Bumpkins

I'm too tired and lazy to type an introduction for this blog post

Double click below

I'm even too tired and lazy for proper punctuation

He HAS WHISKERS

How cute are HIS WHISKERS

Hyatt Wild Oak Ranch - San Antonio

The Tiny Tooth Fairy Cometh

Last night, after dinner, we gave Ava and Grace some chocolate covered strawberries for dessert.  Ava took her first bite into the hard chocolaty exterior and yelped with pain. That set in motion an hour-and-a-half long waiting period for Ava to feel comfortable enough for me stick my fingers in her mouth and see what was going on.

The one tooth that had been loose for weeks, finally decided it was time to come out. I placed my pinkie finger on the back of the tooth and it plunged forward. While I cringed on the inside from how creepy it felt, Ava panicked on the outside. She called her cousin Kylie to ask advice on how to handle the loose tooth, and Kylie said she needed to twist it around in order to loosen it up. To which Ava's response was to make a gagging noise and cry hysterically.

While Daddy and Grace watched from the bed, I did my best to assure Ava that if she let me pull her tooth, I would promise not to hurt her. We pinkie promised she would be brave and I would be quick...and with a panicked jerking back motion of her head...Ta Da! The tooth was out.


Lil' Miss Drama And Her Momma from Kara on Vimeo.

So proud of My Girl!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Grace requested two pig tails this morning. When I was finished with her hair, I asked her to turn around so I could see her. She posed with this half-smile and a memory of a school photo of me in the 2nd grade popped into my head. I dug around for the photo and compared the two. There's a few years difference between these shots, but I think she looks remarkably like me.

Ava has very dark brown eyes and wavy brown hair. She resembles Terry's side of the family.
Grace has straight blond hair and blue eyes. Mostly resembling my family.

My hair was stick straight with a red tinge in 2nd grade. For some bizarre reason, the next year my hair grew in very curly, and stayed that way until I had Ava.

Now, after two kids, and the hormones that come with them... it can't seem to make up its damn mind - and is stuck somewhere between a half-assed curly and a frizzy, limp stage. 

Don't get all jealous.

Say What?

Sunday night, we, along with a bunch of people in our neighborhood set out their junk/bulk items along their curbs for pick-up Monday morning. Barely 30 minutes after Terry rolled out our gas grill, a truck and trailer pulled up and snatched it away like thieves in the night.

The next morning when taking the girls to school, I noticed dozens of broken down cardboard boxes someone set out along the street. I dropped the girls off and made my way back to the boxes, knowing my sister could use them for packing since she's moving. I pulled over, folded down all of the seats and looked totally ridiculous trying to heave these two huge things into the back of my SUV. They barely fit.

Later on, while switching them from my car to hers, we noticed something written on one of the boxes.

Excuse me.

WTF is a Squirt Room?

I think Bemis is a medical supply company, but is that really an accurate term to use for the room storing those supplies? It must be, since both Squirt and Room are capitalized. OMG - what sort of SQUIRTING goes on in a Squirt Room? Am I now tainted since I manhandled every single square inch of that box trying to get the damn thing into my car?!

I'm aware that the only things that have the potential to SQUIRT, are liquids. And since this box most likely contained medical supplies housing things in a liquid state - that can only mean - Bodily Fluids. Right? Unless I read the wrong Google search result and Bemis is the company that manufactures silly string. Because silly string is the only other thing I can think of that squirts.

I'm grossed out. What if that box was left inside the Squirt Room and someones foreign SQUIRT splashed onto it? 

Oh, and before I go any further... do not Google the term squirt room if your kids are in the same room. Or if you are at work. Because it's not defined as "a secure room housed within a medical facility for the safe and secure storage of bodily fluids" like I thought.

----

So now, both me and my sister along with the inside of our vehicles, could potentially be contaminated with strange and nameless SQUIRTABLE substances.

Wanna hang out later?

I'll drive.

Eight Years

Make A Wish!

4.24.07 | 12:35 p.m. | 7 lbs. 10 oz.

Grace's Turns FOUR! from Kara on Vimeo.

Where Have All The Poppies Gone?

I heard Georgetown's Red Poppy Festival was taking place this weekend, so we ventured out Sunday to take a look. The excitement must have ended Saturday because it was super slow and  uneventful... and we never found any red poppies. Did we miss something? 

Ahem. Perhaps we should zoom in and take a closer look at Gracie:

It's obvious she gets it from her Dad.

Usually, T is better at the self portraits than I, so I trusted him in getting one of us along with the big banner on the courthouse. Betcha wish you were there with us --- at the WELCOME TO. 

Not a lot going down while we were there... but I did witness one person purchasing the bird feeder below and I'm pretty sure only the hoity toity, privileged birds are allowed to dine from it.

Oh and I know it sucks, but I just checked our 2012 calendar and it looks like we are plum booked this same weekend ~ so it turns out we can't make it next year.

Bummer.

Go On ... Get Your Pedal On!

Gracie can now officially join her Big Sister in Two-Wheeled adventures!



Grace Rides from Kara on Vimeo.

Can I Rent a Cochlear Implant For The Weekend? Part 2

For the last 10 days everyone in this house has had to hunt me down, turn my face to theirs and speak loudly and slowly in order to get my attention. Ava and Grace have had to (against their natural ways) actually WALK UP TO THEIR MOTHER to ask a question, instead of the normal YELLING ACROSS THREE ROOMS to get me to come them.

Let the yelling commence because I can hear again! My little eardrums are healed! Thank you ridiculously expensive antibiotic!

Can I get a What What! And I no longer mean literally!

I did kinda play the Hey, But I'm Temporarily Hearing Challenged card a few times though. If someone needed something from me, I'd simply throw my hands up by my ears and then mouth "I can't hear you...", and SHAZZAM, shit got done and I wasn't the one doing it. If the girls needed me to find something of theirs, -- throw hands up, WUT? -- and poof, they were off on their own and figuring things out for themselves.

I think we're a much stronger family because of it.

Can I Rent A Cochlear Implant For The Weekend? Part One.

I've spent the last 72 hours with crippling pain in my ears. Initially, the pain was so intense it sent me to an after hours clinic, and they in turn sent me to the ER with a Golden Ticket to bypass the long line of crazies, next came a CT scan with a result showing a sinus infection and the cherry on top -- a severe double ear infection.

The only bearable part of the last 72 hours was the fact that within minutes of arriving at the ER I was shot up with morphine. The last time I was given morphine was a few years ago after having my appendix removed. I spent the next day and a half pressing the little red button next to my hospital bed, religiously every ten minutes, and it was as if I was pressing a little red button straight into heaven. Faaaabulous! But say it the way Oprah says it, to better understand my meaning.

The morphine for my painful ear infections wore off after I arrived home, so I took two teensy weency pain pills I was prescribed, which did NOT A DAYUM THING. So I writhed in pain for the rest of the night until a follow-up doctor appointment the next morning. By now, I was vomiting and could barely walk in a straight line. I was sent home with a little bit of heaven in pill form, which made things better. 

Another day passed and I was referred to an Audiologist and E.N.T for further examination. Since I'd been deaf for the last three days, I'd become a pro at reading lips. I was doing my best at keeping up with what the ENT was saying, and my heart stopped when it seemed as if he'd said "So, if this new antibiotic I'm prescribing fails to work within 48 hours, I will need to puncture your eardrums in order to drain the infection. All I heard, or lip read, rather, was PUNCTURE--PUNCTURE--EARDRUMS.  Ummm, I'm no doctor, but that doesn't sound normal, man! I panicked and feverishly darted my eyes around the exam room to make sure this wacko had a medical license of some sort, and was disappointed in finding at least three, all decked out with fancy frames. Damn it. He was for real. And his name was Dr. Slaughter.

OMG, what's worse here??  His name? or that he WANTS TO INTENTIONALLY RUPTURE BOTH OF MY FUCKING EARDRUMS?

I started throwing questions at him, as  you can imagine because I'm a total spazz  any normal person would at this point.

Will it hurt? Will you put me under? Will you hold my hand and stuff? Can you tell me your First Name, so I can stop thinking about your Last One? Would you do this to your loving wife? Or child? Am I asking too many questions? Why are you looking at your watch? Oh God, are you in a hurry? Are you going to HURRY WHILE PUNCTURING THE MOST SENSITIVE TISSUE INSIDE MY ENTIRE BODY?!

Here's hoping the stronger antibiotic does the trick. Cause if it doesn't, I apologize in advance for the dramatic informative blog to follow what sounds like a totally inhumane surgical procedure.

Spring Fling

I hear birdies chirping and see butterflies fluttering! It's Spring!

Technically, the first day of spring is tomorrow.

In my opinion it's already spring here since we've been the 70's every day for like a month. Which in my book qualifies for spring.

So I gave the Middle Finger to our earth's meteorological calendar and planted a bunch of my shit an entire day early. Winning!!

P.S. If you have a three-year-old who demands they be the first to water your delicate, freshly potted flowers, make sure the spray nozzle on your hose isn't set to JET before they pull the trigger. It might defeat the purpose of everything you've just done.

 

Also, this guy.

I noticed him staring at me while I was looking out our back door. He stared long enough for me to get my camera, call the kids to come see, and then snap a dozen pictures. He couldn't look away. It's totally obvious he's was distraught because I've thrown off the earth's axis by announcing its spring, a day early.  Or he was blood thirsty and contemplated leaping through the glass and onto my face, mauling it and pulling out my teeth, stuffing them in his stretchy cheeks to take back and show off to his furry little friends.

Or maybe he was just curious.

I might over analyze things.

Get Your Pinch On

Tippity top O' the mornin' to ya! Get up! Get on a little bit o' green and get thru your day in a hurry, 'cause this is what's waiting for you!

At least, it's what's waiting for me and my homegirlies!

Happy St. Patrick's Day Peeps!

Someone Hold Me

Ava is on the precipice of a huge new chapter in her little life and I am on the precipice of a huge breakdown. You'll see me with the Oprah Ugly Cry in exactly five months and thirteen days.
But who's counting.

This morning I registered Ava for Kindergarten.

Shut the front door, I am NOT ready for this shit! I do not have a kindergartner, thank you very much! I have a tiny newborn bundle that solely relies on me for her tiny newborn life. (Oh, and Terry ~ he's kind of the one with the job and the money ~ that's a wee bit important.) But I'm her mom.
Sometimes that's weird to say. I'm a mom. Weird.

And I'm a mom with a Big Kid.

A large handful of my closest Mommy Friends are in the very same boat today, and are just as freaked out. So I'm taking it upon myself to speak for every single one of them, because they love me so, and I know they don't mind.

We very well may meet for lunch and have a margarita on The First Day Of School. OMG! Who am I kidding?! We would never have a margarita in the middle of the day!

We would have two.

Flying High In Austin

First time as a family to hit the Zilker Kite Fest.

Super fun!
Super crowded!!
Super beautiful day!!!


Let's Fly from Kara on Vimeo.