For the last 10 days everyone in this house has had to hunt me down, turn my face to theirs and speak loudly and slowly in order to get my attention. Ava and Grace have had to (against their natural ways) actually WALK UP TO THEIR MOTHER to ask a question, instead of the normal YELLING ACROSS THREE ROOMS to get me to come them.
Let the yelling commence because I can hear again! My little eardrums are healed! Thank you ridiculously expensive antibiotic!
Can I get a What What! And I no longer mean literally!
I did kinda play the Hey, But I'm Temporarily Hearing Challenged card a few times though. If someone needed something from me, I'd simply throw my hands up by my ears and then mouth "I can't hear you...", and SHAZZAM, shit got done and I wasn't the one doing it. If the girls needed me to find something of theirs, -- throw hands up, WUT? -- and poof, they were off on their own and figuring things out for themselves.
I think we're a much stronger family because of it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Can I Rent A Cochlear Implant For The Weekend? Part One.
I've spent the last 72 hours with crippling pain in my ears. Initially, the pain was so intense it sent me to an after hours clinic, and they in turn sent me to the ER with a Golden Ticket to bypass the long line of crazies, next came a CT scan with a result showing a sinus infection and the cherry on top -- a severe double ear infection.
The only bearable part of the last 72 hours was the fact that within minutes of arriving at the ER I was shot up with morphine. The last time I was given morphine was a few years ago after having my appendix removed. I spent the next day and a half pressing the little red button next to my hospital bed, religiously every ten minutes, and it was as if I was pressing a little red button straight into heaven. Faaaabulous! But say it the way Oprah says it, to better understand my meaning.
The morphine for my painful ear infections wore off after I arrived home, so I took two teensy weency pain pills I was prescribed, which did NOT A DAYUM THING. So I writhed in pain for the rest of the night until a follow-up doctor appointment the next morning. By now, I was vomiting and could barely walk in a straight line. I was sent home with a little bit of heaven in pill form, which made things better.
Another day passed and I was referred to an Audiologist and E.N.T for further examination. Since I'd been deaf for the last three days, I'd become a pro at reading lips. I was doing my best at keeping up with what the ENT was saying, and my heart stopped when it seemed as if he'd said "So, if this new antibiotic I'm prescribing fails to work within 48 hours, I will need to puncture your eardrums in order to drain the infection. All I heard, or lip read, rather, was PUNCTURE--PUNCTURE--EARDRUMS. Ummm, I'm no doctor, but that doesn't sound normal, man! I panicked and feverishly darted my eyes around the exam room to make sure this wacko had a medical license of some sort, and was disappointed in finding at least three, all decked out with fancy frames. Damn it. He was for real. And his name was Dr. Slaughter.
OMG, what's worse here?? His name? or that he WANTS TO INTENTIONALLY RUPTURE BOTH OF MY FUCKING EARDRUMS?
I started throwing questions at him, as you can imagine because I'm a total spazz any normal person would at this point.
Will it hurt? Will you put me under? Will you hold my hand and stuff? Can you tell me your First Name, so I can stop thinking about your Last One? Would you do this to your loving wife? Or child? Am I asking too many questions? Why are you looking at your watch? Oh God, are you in a hurry? Are you going to HURRY WHILE PUNCTURING THE MOST SENSITIVE TISSUE INSIDE MY ENTIRE BODY?!
Here's hoping the stronger antibiotic does the trick. Cause if it doesn't, I apologize in advance for thedramatic informative blog to follow what sounds like a totally inhumane surgical procedure.
The only bearable part of the last 72 hours was the fact that within minutes of arriving at the ER I was shot up with morphine. The last time I was given morphine was a few years ago after having my appendix removed. I spent the next day and a half pressing the little red button next to my hospital bed, religiously every ten minutes, and it was as if I was pressing a little red button straight into heaven. Faaaabulous! But say it the way Oprah says it, to better understand my meaning.
The morphine for my painful ear infections wore off after I arrived home, so I took two teensy weency pain pills I was prescribed, which did NOT A DAYUM THING. So I writhed in pain for the rest of the night until a follow-up doctor appointment the next morning. By now, I was vomiting and could barely walk in a straight line. I was sent home with a little bit of heaven in pill form, which made things better.
Another day passed and I was referred to an Audiologist and E.N.T for further examination. Since I'd been deaf for the last three days, I'd become a pro at reading lips. I was doing my best at keeping up with what the ENT was saying, and my heart stopped when it seemed as if he'd said "So, if this new antibiotic I'm prescribing fails to work within 48 hours, I will need to puncture your eardrums in order to drain the infection. All I heard, or lip read, rather, was PUNCTURE--PUNCTURE--EARDRUMS. Ummm, I'm no doctor, but that doesn't sound normal, man! I panicked and feverishly darted my eyes around the exam room to make sure this wacko had a medical license of some sort, and was disappointed in finding at least three, all decked out with fancy frames. Damn it. He was for real. And his name was Dr. Slaughter.
OMG, what's worse here?? His name? or that he WANTS TO INTENTIONALLY RUPTURE BOTH OF MY FUCKING EARDRUMS?
I started throwing questions at him, as
Will it hurt? Will you put me under? Will you hold my hand and stuff? Can you tell me your First Name, so I can stop thinking about your Last One? Would you do this to your loving wife? Or child? Am I asking too many questions? Why are you looking at your watch? Oh God, are you in a hurry? Are you going to HURRY WHILE PUNCTURING THE MOST SENSITIVE TISSUE INSIDE MY ENTIRE BODY?!
Here's hoping the stronger antibiotic does the trick. Cause if it doesn't, I apologize in advance for the
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Spring Fling
I hear birdies chirping and see butterflies fluttering! It's Spring!
Technically, the first day of spring is tomorrow.
In my opinion it's already spring here since we've been the 70's every day for like a month. Which in my book qualifies for spring.
So I gave the Middle Finger to our earth's meteorological calendar and planted a bunch of my shit an entire day early. Winning!!
I might over analyze things.
Technically, the first day of spring is tomorrow.
In my opinion it's already spring here since we've been the 70's every day for like a month. Which in my book qualifies for spring.
So I gave the Middle Finger to our earth's meteorological calendar and planted a bunch of my shit an entire day early. Winning!!
P.S. If you have a three-year-old who demands they be the first to water your delicate, freshly potted flowers, make sure the spray nozzle on your hose isn't set to JET before they pull the trigger. It might defeat the purpose of everything you've just done.
Also, this guy.
I noticed him staring at me while I was looking out our back door. He stared long enough for me to get my camera, call the kids to come see, and then snap a dozen pictures. He couldn't look away. It's totally obvious he's was distraught because I've thrown off the earth's axis by announcing its spring, a day early. Or he was blood thirsty and contemplated leaping through the glass and onto my face, mauling it and pulling out my teeth, stuffing them in his stretchy cheeks to take back and show off to his furry little friends.
Or maybe he was just curious.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Get Your Pinch On
Tippity top O' the mornin' to ya! Get up! Get on a little bit o' green and get thru your day in a hurry, 'cause this is what's waiting for you!
At least, it's what's waiting for me and my homegirlies!
Happy St. Patrick's Day Peeps!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Someone Hold Me
Ava is on the precipice of a huge new chapter in her little life and I am on the precipice of a huge breakdown. You'll see me with the Oprah Ugly Cry in exactly five months and thirteen days.
But who's counting.
This morning I registered Ava for Kindergarten.
Shut the front door, I am NOT ready for this shit! I do not have a kindergartner, thank you very much! I have a tiny newborn bundle that solely relies on me for her tiny newborn life. (Oh, and Terry ~ he's kind of the one with the job and the money ~ that's a wee bit important.) But I'm her mom.
Sometimes that's weird to say. I'm a mom. Weird.
And I'm a mom with a Big Kid.
A large handful of my closest Mommy Friends are in the very same boat today, and are just as freaked out. So I'm taking it upon myself to speak for every single one of them, because they love me so, and I know they don't mind.
We very well may meet for lunch and have a margarita on The First Day Of School. OMG! Who am I kidding?! We would never have a margarita in the middle of the day!
We would have two.
But who's counting.
This morning I registered Ava for Kindergarten.
Shut the front door, I am NOT ready for this shit! I do not have a kindergartner, thank you very much! I have a tiny newborn bundle that solely relies on me for her tiny newborn life. (Oh, and Terry ~ he's kind of the one with the job and the money ~ that's a wee bit important.) But I'm her mom.
Sometimes that's weird to say. I'm a mom. Weird.
And I'm a mom with a Big Kid.
A large handful of my closest Mommy Friends are in the very same boat today, and are just as freaked out. So I'm taking it upon myself to speak for every single one of them, because they love me so, and I know they don't mind.
We very well may meet for lunch and have a margarita on The First Day Of School. OMG! Who am I kidding?! We would never have a margarita in the middle of the day!
We would have two.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Flying High In Austin
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