What's New with KaraLoo?

The Dreaded Four Letter Word

2012-01-05T09:44:00.000-06:00

LICE.

I threw around a few four letter words of my own, after finding out the girls had it.

The girl's woke us up giddy as can be on Christmas morning, and after ripping through presents and piddling around I sat the girls down to fix their hair for a visit to my sister's house later in the day. Grace had been scratching at her head for days and days, at that point, but honestly after peeking in her hair I figured dry skin and winter weather were to blame. It wasn't until I pulled up Ava's hair when I noticed a cluster of small red dots at the nape of her neck. I took a closer look, then promptly shit my pants.

Christmas morning.

Lice.

Two children.

CHRISTMAS MORNING.

To make a very long story (what? I'm dramatic?) short... Terry saved us. He stripped every body's sheets, bagged clothes, pillows, stuffed animals, disinfected, washed at least 15 loads of laundry over the next several days, and didn't blink when I had a complete breakdown filled with tears, snot, and whining to my sister on the phone.

I remember standing in long lines with other kids in my class having our hair picked through by the nurse in elementary school. I never had it as a kid. I knew lice were gross, but really never knew what to expect if I were to see any. I imagined them as minuscule, itty bitty bugs things stuck to strands of hair. I know that is true. But what is also true, MORE IMPORTANTLY, is the fact that I forgot those minuscule, itty bitty bug things stuck to strands of hair were PUT THERE BY THEIR PARENTS. And holy shit, I saw some major parental activity in Ava's hair.

Bugs and I don't mix y'all, and bugs and HAIR and I definitely don't mix.
Hence the aforementioned breakdown.

This is where the breakdown began. Not really knowing what I was looking for, I noticed a dark spot on Ava's scalp and stuck my finger next to it to give me a better sense of what it was and the FUCKING THING SCURRIED AWAY FROM MY FINGER.

Now, as the mother of the child whose head I'm inspecting, at this point I should have remained calm, dealing with a fellow drama queen - but I couldn't help it and panicked - which did NOTHING TO HELP THE SITUATION. Once Ava realized there were 'bugs' in her hair... um... well..Merry Christmas to all and to all nightmare for the next days to come.

Are you itching yet??

I'm itching.

I hope it's only phantom itching. Because if I get lice, I will shave my head. There is no way I can go to sleep at night knowing these little see through, pointy headed bastards are crawling all over the place, obviously partying it up in my hair celebrating their own Christmas... AND OURS... because they took our Christmas celebrations away.

Soooo, no leaving the house on Christmas Day. Which the girls were THRILLED about!

And no visit to my Aunts Ranch the next day. Which the girls were THRILLED about!

Oh, and happy vacation for Terry! Hey honey, we need more laundry detergent.

Apparently, without our knowledge, Grace suffered through the lice. We caught hers at the very tail end. Ava needed the NIX stuff, and that did a lot of damage to their population. Within 48 hours, it was pretty much under control and we were back to normal life.

I have pictures, wanna see!?

Tour de Austin

2012-01-04T09:55:00.000-06:00

Terry's childhood buddy and his family stopped into Austin on their way back to Ohio after taking a cruise around the Caribbean for Christmas break. We wanted to ensure their day was packed full fun and hit up some of Austin's must-see spots.

We started our day off right and ate a healthy portion of Round Rock Donuts before hitting up the Capitol. Mexican for lunch and smiles for the rest of the afternoon!

At 1,550 feet deep, the capitol well provides some YUMMY COLD water!

Two sets of 'two peas in a pod'.

Who says no to a cupcake?! Not us.

The guys at the fire station were SUPER friendly!

Of course Terry jumped onto the back...

They became fast friends!

Don't Mess with Austinites and their company...

5-4-3-2-1...

The day couldn't have been any more beautiful!

Until next time!

Mark and Amy, we had a great time with all of you, and hope to see you all this summer!

Don't Be Shy! Come On, It's Tee Tee Time!

2011-12-11T13:38:00.000-06:00

This year is the very first year I've shopped almost completely online for Christmas presents. Amazon has delivered nearly every single present under my tree. This morning while on their site searching for things having to do with 'travel', I somehow stumbled upon... um... this Christmas must-have:

Big deal.

So it's just a PERSONAL URINAL.

Except it's also just a PERSONAL URINAL.

And the pictures of the product are the best part.

Here's my favorite:

Look! It's easy and durable enough for even a humongous horse to pee into it from nearly a foot away!

Then all you have to do is pray all that horse pee has turned into gel, and flip it upside down to see if it worked!

How can this company even market this like it's a serious item?? I read a few of the reviews and a lady that drives almost 70 miles to and from work bought hers because she "doesn't have time to pull off the highway and walk into a restroom."

She states she "simply unrolls, positions it, and goes!"

Well, VIOLA!!

This shit must be easy!

So the next time I'm driving to grandma's house with the girls, there's no need to pull over when I feel the urge. I can simply focus on the road while I dig through my purse, find my urinal, take out the lip stick tube that fell inside of it, unroll it, drive with my knee while I pull off my jeans, wiggle down my underwear, take both hands off the wheel to place my trusty personal urinal against my body and then ....AHHHHH.

That IS easy! And SO SAFE!

And then of course, hurry to pull everything back into place before a semi-truck driver pulls up next to me and wonders what the hell I've been up to.

In my opinion, there are only two types of people on this planet that could POSSIBLY need a plastic bag urinal. Those that are bedridden and don't have the means to get up and travel to the potty, or bat-shit crazy lady astronauts involved in a fatal attraction with a co-worker astronaut. And that bat-shit crazy lady astronaut missed her chance when she decided to drive cross country with an adult diaper on, when CLEARLY, the perfect choice would have been the Personal Urinal.

It's so much more dignified than a diaper.

Whoo Whoo

2011-11-30T10:37:00.000-06:00

Things that Gracie says that ARE acceptable:

"Cream of the week." (cream of wheat)
"Vegetavle. (vegetable)
"Vestival." (festival)

Things that Gracie says that are NOT acceptable:

"Whatever. I'm wearing mascara today."
"I'm being Nikki Minaj when I grow up!"
"Look at my bras! My husband is trying to get me."

---

While shopping for Christmas presents (that aren't for her...)

Gracie:
Mommy! Look! Can you buy this tea set for me!?

Me:
Honey, no. We're only here to buy things for other people.

Gracie: *with her arms crossed and now yelling as loud as humanly possible*

YOU'RE GONNA BUY STUFF FOR YOUR GUESTS AND NOT BUY ANYTHING FOR YOUR OWN CHILD? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT A CHILD??!

So, she's basically a Screech Owl. All compact and and cute with those beautiful, enormous eyes. And if provoked, scratches off your face with some big-ass claws you never knew were inside those tiny, furry feet.

Winter | 2011

2011-11-28T19:27:00.000-06:00

Two and a half years ago I averaged almost 20 blog posts a month.

Fast forward to today ~ I'm barely pushing 1. Yeesh.

I was on a roll back then. I couldnt help but stumble upon something crazy or hilarious that happened to me or around me. I miss the days when I sat in front of my monitor and typed up a quirky story quickly and effortlessly. It must be the older and more active my girls become, the harder it is for me to take time, or justify my time, sitting in front of my monitor blabbing on and on.

Hopefully this post will be the first of a whole lot more. Whether you like it or not.

In full Kara style, what better way to kick off a blogging frenzy than with PICTURES!

Of kids!

And their parents!

Thank you Samantha Tran for a fun photo filled morning!

Brave Little Bean

2011-11-13T19:50:00.000-06:00

My dad and I were shopping at Highland Mall (most likely for Umbro shorts and Swatch watches) when we came upon The Piercing Pagoda kiosk. My dad had the 'okay' from my mom to let me do what I'd been wanting forever.

Finally have my ears pierced.

He held my hand while the marker was dotted on each ear, and within seconds it was all over. He then took me into the food court and bought me a strawberry/banana smoothie, my favorite. We hung around the mall for a while, and I remember walking through Dillard's, my dad stopping here and there to check out the leather furniture. I still smell the leather of the couches, and the aromas of shampoo and hairspray permeating outside of Visible Changes as we walked out of the mall to head home.

I was eight years-old.

I will never forget that afternoon. The earrings my dad chose were little gold knots. I would give anything to have those, my very first pair of real earrings.

Today is another one of those memorable days.

The day Ava had her ears pierced.

Instead of a half baked teenager working at a mall kiosk, my sister Dana was the one to do the honors for Ava today. I couldn't have asked for anyone more special. Knowing that Ava talks incessantly about nothing, and cant control her laughter when she's nervous, her Aunt Nanna calmly and clearly explained what she was about to do, and what to expect after it was over.

The tears came to my eyes the moment the first one was pierced. Ava, completely shocked, stared directly into my sisters face anticipating her response... and when Dana gave her a big smile, Ava knew it was going to be alright. After a quick and happy high-five, the other ear was next. Boom. She barely felt it. Ava counted aloud to ten, then let out a deep breath, smiled, and ran to the bathroom for a look in the mirror.

I can only hope Ava remembers this day, this special event in her young life.

The day when her Aunt Nanna came over and pierced her ears when she was six years-old.

And gave to her, her very first pair of real earrings.

10.13.11

2011-10-13T08:08:00.000-05:00

Ava, today you turned SIX years old. Your little sister gave you a huge Happy Birthday Hug first thing in the morning. She mentioned you even looked bigger today. You told her, "Of course, it's because I'm six!"

We love you so much!

~Mom & Dad

Drum Roll Please

2011-10-12T15:56:00.001-05:00

I have absolutely no musical talent what so ever. Sure, I might have been in a music class or the choir in middle school, but I'm pretty sure it was because all of the other electives were filled and they only needed that special someone with zero talent who was okay with settling for tapping on a glockenspiel during the gifted children's performances.

That special someone was me. And I was the BOMB at the glockenspiel.

I'm not afraid to belt out some soulful Adele in my car and sing some serious Rhianna in the shower, but as far as natural music talent goes... I got nothin'.

Terry on the other hand comes from quite the musically talented family, his sister and all of his brothers' are all experts at singing or playing an array of instruments, or both. Terry taught himself himself how to play the drums when he was a kid, and he recently set up a small portion of his drum kit in Grace's room so the girls could play around when they have their friends over. Ava took quite the liking to them and Terry has been giving her lessons.

She's picked it up in a hurry.... and then there's Grace.
Grace would rather sing a jumbled up version of the alphabet, turrets style.

Drum Roll Please from Kara on Vimeo.

Come On. Gimme An 'A' For Effort

2011-08-31T22:43:00.000-05:00

So this is the first 'full week' of Kinder for Ava and things are going swimmingly. I love that term. Swimmingly. It reminds me of 'Dory' in Finding Nemo. She was so cute. And she couldn't help but loose track of her thoughts.

Um...

Oh. Ava... yes.

It's great. Ava LOVES school.

With one ever-so-gentle arm touch in the morning, she scares the shit out of me yelling, "Is it school?!" and then leaps out of bed and is dressed and making her own breakfast in like 6 seconds flat. It's crazy, the amount of drive this kid has, in kindergarten, of all things.

I can hear her in ten years, waking up all, "Are the SAT's today?!?!? AWESOME, I GOTSTA GO!"

Boy, she and I really couldn't be any different.

OK, so Her Teacher. She's super sweet.

I thought I'd start off on the right foot by volunteering for Tuesday Folders...Workroom Helper... and various other light duties that keep me involved in the Going's On, but far, far away from The Crazies. (You know who they are. Those Other Mom's.)

So, during Meet The Teacher Night before school started, I signed up to make and bring in gingerbread cookies for a Gingerbread Man Hunt, where the kids go around and search for gingerbread men and it helps familiarize themselves with the layout of the school, and such. My job is to bring a dozen gingerbread 'girls' to school tomorrow so the teacher can hide them in secret spots and and the wee children can look to-and-fro for those pesky, hiding gingerbread men, then eat them all up!

Except for one thing.

The eating them all up part.

You understand it's August right?

And the season for gingerbread cookies was like, EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

And I don't do HOMEMADE STUFF.

So the only thing on the shelf, IN AUGUST, that doesn't involve one of those fancy mixer things (where I'm forced to do it the REAL WAY with flour and baking soda, or is it powder, and all of those other fancy ingredients), was one box of Gingerbread Cookie Mix.

The whole grain kind. Gluten free. No sugar.

Grace watched me mix it all up and said, "Mommy, it looks like sand. With dirt inside, also."

Yes Grace.

YES IT DOES.

And I'm pretty darn sure it tastes like sand with dirt inside, also.

I cannot imagine any five or six year-old liking these things. And I certainly cannot imagine them liking their shapes either, because I made these cookies at 9 o'clock tonight after Ava went to sleep (since it's a surprise) and after a long day, my contacts were all dried out, my rolling pin was barely working trying to roll out basically WHOLE OATS with sand and dirt and water mixed in, it didn't go too well.

So I thought I'd remedy the situation by decorating my newborn gingerbread girls.

OMG!

Her juvederm injections were clearly done by an unlicensed dermatologist.

What a HACK JOB.

At least she's a blond. That will get her somewhere. And is it just me, or does she have a hernia in need repair, or could that be a cesarean-section that went horribly wrong?

I have a feeling the teacher will keep any future volunteer sign-up sheets far, far away from Ava's Mom.

Newborn To Kindergarten At Warp Speed

2011-08-23T09:15:00.000-05:00

Wasn't it just yesterday you had your first birthday?

Look at you now.

You're such a Big Kid.

You weren't at all afraid on your very first day of Kindergarten.

You kissed your Mom and Dad good-bye and walked away with a smile.

We are proud of you, sweet Ava.

ACL Live - Miranda Lambert Studio Taping

2011-07-21T13:37:00.000-05:00

I received an email from Terry Tuesday morning stating the following:

Honey:
Nonnie will be over tomorrow night to watch the girls. She'll be over around 5:30.

YOU AND I HAVE PLANS! Attire: Cute dress. We'll be indoors, you'll need to eat something before we go.

Love you,
T

OMG I love surprises!!!
But the whole 'eat before we go' thing knocked dinner plans out of my thoughts - so... could it be a movie, a play? I had no clue.

My mom and sister knew what he was planning, but of course, kept it to themselves. POOR SPORTS!!

So now it's Wednesday, 5:30pm, and my mom shows up right on time. She sends us off with a smile and
we head toward downtown. I pulled down my passenger side sun visor/mirror and a piece of paper fell into my lap. I opened it up and the first words that caught my eye were: Congratulations and Miranda Lambert. HOLY CRAP!!! WUT!?!?!

He had entered his name into a drawing for stage level passes to the Miranda Lambert live studio taping at Austin City Limits! And won!

While waiting in line to get inside, we ran into our friend Sara and her dad, who also had tix, and they partied/danced/sang right along with us. It was awesome!

Miranda is one helluva firecracker... she's super short, has great legs, wore glittery stiletto's and a leather and lace black mini dress and rocked her little country heart out! Along with a dozen other of her songs, she sang two songs with her new band, Pistol Annie, and of course rocked the house with Hell on Heels. So fun!

The night was a total blast and the four of us ended up with major camera time. Way more than 15 minutes of fame! Ha! I can't wait until the October airing, I'm sure we will laugh the whole time we see ourselves, having a great time dancing like fools and not givin' a damn!

It was a night I won't forget, and I am thankful to have a man in my life that gets such a kick out of surprising me and seeing me happy.

Thanks Honey!!!!

Sunning, Swimming and Side-Splitting Laughter

2011-07-14T18:25:00.000-05:00

That about sums up Last Friday Night ....

5th Annual Girls Weekend from Kara on Vimeo.

Red White and Blue

2011-07-05T09:22:00.000-05:00

"The One with the Dance Off"

2011-07-01T16:01:00.000-05:00

"Um, we have to do what SHE DOES!! She didn't TAKE A BOWEL!"

Morning Dance Party! from Kara on Vimeo.

Pop Goes The Police Batton Over Your Teenage Heads

2011-06-24T20:22:00.000-05:00

I'm now available to be hired as a sketch artist for crime scene reenactment purposes.

Check out my latest piece.

It's spot on, people.

Talent like this doesn't just present itself in every Stay At Home Mom, y'all.

Ava could tell the story MUCH BETTER than I could... but she can't type and can barely spell C-A-T, so I will be taking care of the story-telling here.

OK. Glance at the crime scene sketch I have prepared for you above.

What do you see?

If you said...

1. A side view of an index finger with sweet 20" rims and police sirens

2. A crazy-haired Q-tip

3. Bombs bursting in air

4. A misshapen penis next to two zombies with graduation caps on

You are SADLY MISTAKEN. And shame on you for your poor interpretation.

What you SHOULD SEE is the following:

1. A police cruiser (with sweet rims)

2. Me parked along next to him, with obvious PERFECTLY UPRIGHT POSTURE

3. Three total douche bag teenage boys, peering over a brick wall

4. Water balloons bursting thru the air

Oh yes I did folks, I called the PO PO on those MO FO'S.

I swear to God it sounded like I ran over a dead bloated goat when it happened. I was driving down a quiet neighborhood street while on the phone with Terry and all of a sudden yelled OHMYGAWDWHATWASTHAT?! Then hung up. (Hindsight: Don't do that to your husband if you are ever in my situation... their reaction might not be the best...) I quickly pulled over and got out to see about the bloated goat when I saw water droplets on the rear passenger wheel well. I jumped back into the car and turned around headed toward where I'd hit the goat. That's when I saw it. Saw THEM... the little shits. Three teenagers were peering over a brick wall laughing and hurling bright orange water balloons at passing vehicles.

Awwww naaaahhhh, yo. My tiny, white-girl ghetto side came out and I leaped out of the car, and yelled at those little shits. Then hopped back in the car and called 911. I told the dispatcher I'd been hit with a water balloon when BOOM! Another pelted the roof of my car. Aww HALE NAHHH! I jumped out of the car, hung up with the dispatcher after she said she was sending someone out, I turned on my phone's video camera and peeked thru the fence next to the wall. They had scattered. The little shits.

The cop showed up and asked me all sorts of questions, checked for damage to the rear of my vehicle, then said he would take care of it.

I wanted him to get rough with them and 'teach them a lesson' but he must have had better things to do because he totally drove away after I got back in my car. He must have had a donut waiting for him back at the station.

Oh, and the oval shaped turd looking things between my car and the police car are the police man's footprints. Ava wanted to make sure I drew footprints to show the cop walking toward us.

Now that I think of it, maybe the cop sped off to go pawn the the huge 600-karat diamond ring on the roof of his car.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T18:58:00.000-05:00

GW Lodge

2011-06-19T18:56:00.000-05:00

4 kids... 4 adults... 2 nights... LOTS-O-FUN!!!

Great Wolf 2011 from Kara on Vimeo.

You'll Thank Us When It's 105 Outside

2011-05-25T19:24:00.000-05:00

It happens every summer.

And every summer she struggles with strategic sitting positions in an attempt to hide her newly naked girlie parts.

Slow It Down There, Little Girl

2011-05-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

I'm all for you growing up, but this is ridiculous.

Two teeth and a preschool graduation within 11 days - let's just take a break from all of the Getting Big for a while, mkay?

Don't Blink

2011-05-19T12:52:00.000-05:00

I am so fortunate to have witnessed every laugh, tear and milestone our sweet Ava has experienced.

She played with Play-Doh her first day of preschool, and showed me how she could count by five's to one-hundred during her graduation.

We are so proud of her!

KDO class of 2011!

Tossing their caps!

"We're Outta Here!"

We's Country Bumpkins

2011-05-17T16:03:00.000-05:00

I'm too tired and lazy to type an introduction for this blog post

Double click below

I'm even too tired and lazy for proper punctuation

He HAS WHISKERS

How cute are HIS WHISKERS

Hyatt Wild Oak Ranch - San Antonio

The Tiny Tooth Fairy Cometh

2011-05-09T15:40:00.000-05:00

Last night, after dinner, we gave Ava and Grace some chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. Ava took her first bite into the hard chocolaty exterior and yelped with pain. That set in motion an hour-and-a-half long waiting period for Ava to feel comfortable enough for me stick my fingers in her mouth and see what was going on.

The one tooth that had been loose for weeks, finally decided it was time to come out. I placed my pinkie finger on the back of the tooth and it plunged forward. While I cringed on the inside from how creepy it felt, Ava panicked on the outside. She called her cousin Kylie to ask advice on how to handle the loose tooth, and Kylie said she needed to twist it around in order to loosen it up. To which Ava's response was to make a gagging noise and cry hysterically.

While Daddy and Grace watched from the bed, I did my best to assure Ava that if she let me pull her tooth, I would promise not to hurt her. We pinkie promised she would be brave and I would be quick...and with a panicked jerking back motion of her head...Ta Da! The tooth was out.

Lil' Miss Drama And Her Momma from Kara on Vimeo.

So proud of My Girl!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2011-05-05T11:13:00.000-05:00

Grace requested two pig tails this morning. When I was finished with her hair, I asked her to turn around so I could see her. She posed with this half-smile and a memory of a school photo of me in the 2nd grade popped into my head. I dug around for the photo and compared the two. There's a few years difference between these shots, but I think she looks remarkably like me.

Ava has very dark brown eyes and wavy brown hair. She resembles Terry's side of the family.
Grace has straight blond hair and blue eyes. Mostly resembling my family.

My hair was stick straight with a red tinge in 2nd grade. For some bizarre reason, the next year my hair grew in very curly, and stayed that way until I had Ava.

Now, after two kids, and the hormones that come with them... it can't seem to make up its damn mind - and is stuck somewhere between a half-assed curly and a frizzy, limp stage.

Don't get all jealous.

Say What?

2011-05-03T10:30:00.001-05:00

Sunday night, we, along with a bunch of people in our neighborhood set out their junk/bulk items along their curbs for pick-up Monday morning. Barely 30 minutes after Terry rolled out our gas grill, a truck and trailer pulled up and snatched it away like thieves in the night.

The next morning when taking the girls to school, I noticed dozens of broken down cardboard boxes someone set out along the street. I dropped the girls off and made my way back to the boxes, knowing my sister could use them for packing since she's moving. I pulled over, folded down all of the seats and looked totally ridiculous trying to heave these two huge things into the back of my SUV. They barely fit.

Later on, while switching them from my car to hers, we noticed something written on one of the boxes.

Excuse me.

WTF is a Squirt Room?

I think Bemis is a medical supply company, but is that really an accurate term to use for the room storing those supplies? It must be, since both Squirt and Room are capitalized. OMG - what sort of SQUIRTING goes on in a Squirt Room? Am I now tainted since I manhandled every single square inch of that box trying to get the damn thing into my car?!

I'm aware that the only things that have the potential to SQUIRT, are liquids. And since this box most likely contained medical supplies housing things in a liquid state - that can only mean - Bodily Fluids. Right? Unless I read the wrong Google search result and Bemis is the company that manufactures silly string. Because silly string is the only other thing I can think of that squirts.

I'm grossed out. What if that box was left inside the Squirt Room and someones foreign SQUIRT splashed onto it?

Oh, and before I go any further... do not Google the term squirt room if your kids are in the same room. Or if you are at work. Because it's not defined as "a secure room housed within a medical facility for the safe and secure storage of bodily fluids" like I thought.

----

So now, both me and my sister along with the inside of our vehicles, could potentially be contaminated with strange and nameless SQUIRTABLE substances.

Wanna hang out later?

I'll drive.

Eight Years

2011-04-26T07:56:00.000-05:00

Make A Wish!

2011-04-24T08:40:00.000-05:00

4.24.07 | 12:35 p.m. | 7 lbs. 10 oz.

Grace's Turns FOUR! from Kara on Vimeo.

Where Have All The Poppies Gone?

2011-04-17T18:44:00.000-05:00

I heard Georgetown's Red Poppy Festival was taking place this weekend, so we ventured out Sunday to take a look. The excitement must have ended Saturday because it was super slow and uneventful... and we never found any red poppies. Did we miss something?

Ahem. Perhaps we should zoom in and take a closer look at Gracie:

It's obvious she gets it from her Dad.

Usually, T is better at the self portraits than I, so I trusted him in getting one of us along with the big banner on the courthouse. Betcha wish you were there with us --- at the WELCOME TO.

Not a lot going down while we were there... but I did witness one person purchasing the bird feeder below and I'm pretty sure only the hoity toity, privileged birds are allowed to dine from it.

Oh and I know it sucks, but I just checked our 2012 calendar and it looks like we are plum booked this same weekend ~ so it turns out we can't make it next year.

Bummer.

Go On ... Get Your Pedal On!

2011-04-03T19:32:00.000-05:00

Gracie can now officially join her Big Sister in Two-Wheeled adventures!

Grace Rides from Kara on Vimeo.

Can I Rent a Cochlear Implant For The Weekend? Part 2

2011-03-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

For the last 10 days everyone in this house has had to hunt me down, turn my face to theirs and speak loudly and slowly in order to get my attention. Ava and Grace have had to (against their natural ways) actually WALK UP TO THEIR MOTHER to ask a question, instead of the normal YELLING ACROSS THREE ROOMS to get me to come them.

Let the yelling commence because I can hear again! My little eardrums are healed! Thank you ridiculously expensive antibiotic!

Can I get a What What! And I no longer mean literally!

I did kinda play the Hey, But I'm Temporarily Hearing Challenged card a few times though. If someone needed something from me, I'd simply throw my hands up by my ears and then mouth "I can't hear you...", and SHAZZAM, shit got done and I wasn't the one doing it. If the girls needed me to find something of theirs, -- throw hands up, WUT? -- and poof, they were off on their own and figuring things out for themselves.

I think we're a much stronger family because of it.

Can I Rent A Cochlear Implant For The Weekend? Part One.

2011-03-25T12:37:00.000-05:00

I've spent the last 72 hours with crippling pain in my ears. Initially, the pain was so intense it sent me to an after hours clinic, and they in turn sent me to the ER with a Golden Ticket to bypass the long line of crazies, next came a CT scan with a result showing a sinus infection and the cherry on top -- a severe double ear infection.

The only bearable part of the last 72 hours was the fact that within minutes of arriving at the ER I was shot up with morphine. The last time I was given morphine was a few years ago after having my appendix removed. I spent the next day and a half pressing the little red button next to my hospital bed, religiously every ten minutes, and it was as if I was pressing a little red button straight into heaven. Faaaabulous! But say it the way Oprah says it, to better understand my meaning.

The morphine for my painful ear infections wore off after I arrived home, so I took two teensy weency pain pills I was prescribed, which did NOT A DAYUM THING. So I writhed in pain for the rest of the night until a follow-up doctor appointment the next morning. By now, I was vomiting and could barely walk in a straight line. I was sent home with a little bit of heaven in pill form, which made things better.

Another day passed and I was referred to an Audiologist and E.N.T for further examination. Since I'd been deaf for the last three days, I'd become a pro at reading lips. I was doing my best at keeping up with what the ENT was saying, and my heart stopped when it seemed as if he'd said "So, if this new antibiotic I'm prescribing fails to work within 48 hours, I will need to puncture your eardrums in order to drain the infection. All I heard, or lip read, rather, was PUNCTURE--PUNCTURE--EARDRUMS. Ummm, I'm no doctor, but that doesn't sound normal, man! I panicked and feverishly darted my eyes around the exam room to make sure this wacko had a medical license of some sort, and was disappointed in finding at least three, all decked out with fancy frames. Damn it. He was for real. And his name was Dr. Slaughter.

OMG, what's worse here?? His name? or that he WANTS TO INTENTIONALLY RUPTURE BOTH OF MY FUCKING EARDRUMS?

I started throwing questions at him, as ~~you can imagine because I'm a total spazz~~ any normal person would at this point.

Will it hurt? Will you put me under? Will you hold my hand and stuff? Can you tell me your First Name, so I can stop thinking about your Last One? Would you do this to your loving wife? Or child? Am I asking too many questions? Why are you looking at your watch? Oh God, are you in a hurry? Are you going to HURRY WHILE PUNCTURING THE MOST SENSITIVE TISSUE INSIDE MY ENTIRE BODY?!

Here's hoping the stronger antibiotic does the trick. Cause if it doesn't, I apologize in advance for the ~~dramatic~~ informative blog to follow what sounds like a totally inhumane surgical procedure.

Spring Fling

2011-03-19T19:51:00.000-05:00

I hear birdies chirping and see butterflies fluttering! It's Spring!

Technically, the first day of spring is tomorrow.

In my opinion it's already spring here since we've been the 70's every day for like a month. Which in my book qualifies for spring.

So I gave the Middle Finger to our earth's meteorological calendar and planted a bunch of my shit an entire day early. Winning!!

P.S. If you have a three-year-old who demands they be the first to water your delicate, freshly potted flowers, make sure the spray nozzle on your hose isn't set to JET before they pull the trigger. It might defeat the purpose of everything you've just done.

Also, this guy.

I noticed him staring at me while I was looking out our back door. He stared long enough for me to get my camera, call the kids to come see, and then snap a dozen pictures. He couldn't look away. It's totally obvious he's was distraught because I've thrown off the earth's axis by announcing its spring, a day early. Or he was blood thirsty and contemplated leaping through the glass and onto my face, mauling it and pulling out my teeth, stuffing them in his stretchy cheeks to take back and show off to his furry little friends.

Or maybe he was just curious.

I might over analyze things.

Get Your Pinch On

2011-03-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

Tippity top O' the mornin' to ya! Get up! Get on a little bit o' green and get thru your day in a hurry, 'cause this is what's waiting for you!

At least, it's what's waiting for me and my homegirlies!

Happy St. Patrick's Day Peeps!

Someone Hold Me

2011-03-10T10:14:00.000-06:00

Ava is on the precipice of a huge new chapter in her little life and I am on the precipice of a huge breakdown. You'll see me with the Oprah Ugly Cry in exactly five months and thirteen days.
But who's counting.

This morning I registered Ava for Kindergarten.

Shut the front door, I am NOT ready for this shit! I do not have a kindergartner, thank you very much! I have a tiny newborn bundle that solely relies on me for her tiny newborn life. (Oh, and Terry ~ he's kind of the one with the job and the money ~ that's a wee bit important.) But I'm her mom.
Sometimes that's weird to say. I'm a mom. Weird.

And I'm a mom with a Big Kid.

A large handful of my closest Mommy Friends are in the very same boat today, and are just as freaked out. So I'm taking it upon myself to speak for every single one of them, because they love me so, and I know they don't mind.

We very well may meet for lunch and have a margarita on The First Day Of School. OMG! Who am I kidding?! We would never have a margarita in the middle of the day!

We would have two.

Flying High In Austin

2011-03-08T16:55:00.000-06:00

First time as a family to hit the Zilker Kite Fest.

Super fun!
Super crowded!!
Super beautiful day!!!

Let's Fly from Kara on Vimeo.

She's Got The Look

2011-02-24T21:50:00.001-06:00

Never mind the shit that went on in Egypt, or the shit that's going on in Libya, or the terrible shit that's happening in your city as I type. Let's all go to sleep tonight thinking, not about death and destruction, or dishonesty and betrayal... but something a little more..... TOTALLY EFFING ADORABLE.

Her name is Heidi.

She's a possum.

Technically, she's an opossum, but that's weird to type and you'll sound stupid if you say it. She lives in a zoo in Germany and a local TV crew was shooting some footage of other animals when they caught a glimpse of 'lil Heidi and her slight ... um ... vision impairment. I don't care how ugly you are, if your eyes are crossed, you're still ugly, but you're also a little bit adorable.

She's all the rage in Germany, and everywhere else in the world, for that matter. Cuz hello, she's cross eyed and no one can look away at something so hideously adorable.

Here she is in all of her hideous glory -- choosing her pick for Best Actress winner at the Oscar's this weekend. Quite the celebrity, that 'lil Heidi.

Seeing that she's she's CROSS EYED and all, it's understandable how the poor thing accidentally wandered right past who she ended up choosing in the end.

Natalie Portman was her winning pick. Look how she's gazing fondly into Natalie's defect-free eyes. All jealous and shit.

You honestly can't tell me you wouldn't want to cuddle up with this little cross eyed beast. Look at her! She couldn't hurt a fly! No, literally, she couldn't hurt a fly! Get it?! Her eyes. She sees two.

Oh never mind.

Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired

2011-02-18T11:27:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've spent the last six days inside of a cold, dark, germ filled cave. For a while there I thought I would never emerge, and simply die in my bed, suffering day after day with fevers, chills, headaches, rashes, fatigue and nausea. After three doctor visits, an allergic reaction to antibiotics, blood work and a possible case of mono, it turns out just one ugly hella-virus took up residence in my little body. And I have finally kicked its ass out. Be gone!

And thank God I'm better, because there's only so many HBO On Demand movies one can watch. I did splurge and buy Inception one afternoon, only to turn that shit off cuz it gave me way more of a headache than I already had, trying to figure out what the hell it was all about. My sick, pathetic little brain was too feverish and apparently wasn't able to handle any of the big words or fast movement.

I'm pretty sure I swallowed a years worth of ibuprofen caplets and if I never drink orange Gatorade again, it will be way too soon. I was that germy old lady, wearing her flowery house coat, holed up in her Kleenex littered room with the shades drawn, spooning with her remote and two prized tabby cats. Sounds hawt.

I know Terry is pleased I now have energy and am back to showering on a regular basis. Oh and the fact that I can now safely drive our kids' to school without the fear of me passing out behind the wheel, is a plus too.

The Preschool Version Of An Anatomy Lesson

2011-02-14T20:21:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure what part of this photo my eyes should focus upon...

1. The look on Grace's face --

or

2. The look on the dog's face --

Whatever your eyes focus upon, it's absolutely hilarious.

Just A Little Dusting, That's All We Need

2011-02-07T10:08:00.000-06:00

It snowed twice in Austin when I was a kid. That I remember, at least. It was quite a rare experience.

Ava's only five and she's witnessed TX snow three times in her life. Lucky girl.

The great thing about Austin is it's 20 degrees with falling snow one day and two days later, it's 71 without a cloud in the sky. Sweet.

Emotionless smiles. Holding hands. Standing stick straight. CREEPY.

3 hoods. Too much?

The "Angel" portion of this picture ended when she realized wet snow and jeans don't mix.

I'm sure the East coast would laugh in my face.

You didn't think you'd actually get away with not seeing our cat.

In the snow. Surrounded by cute cat foot prints.

Come on, now.

Snow Day Y'all

2011-02-03T20:19:00.000-06:00

It's been longer than the song of a whippoorwill since I've said hello to all you peeps.

What exactly is a whippoorwill and why does it need two P's, two O's and two L's?
Not only is the song of a whippoorwill long, but so is the word "whippoorwill" itself. It's fun to say. WHIPPOORWILL.

Is a whippoorwill a cross between a whippet dog and a wind mill? Or a flower shaped like a windmill? Something having to do with whippet I'm pretty sure.

I'll google it later. Or email Randy Travis to find out.

--

I thought I'd get a little small-talk out of the way, that way when I blog again tomorrow, you won't be all mad I've left you in the dark for nearly three months, and then out of the blue try to hook up again.
I'm not that kind of girl.

So you'll hear from me again tomorrow. Something with pictures or video or both because the SNOW STORM OF THE DECADE is about to slam smack dab into our house. A colossal two inches of snow is expected. This anticipated two inches has scared our city into forming crisis-management hotlines across the area to assist in relaying pertinent safety and closure information to businesses and large companies. Oh, and also in preparation for this catastrophic storm, they've closed my daughters' school today and tomorrow.

All of this... well before any snow, rain, ice, sleet or strong wind has even occurred.

I'm laughing too.

Giving Thanks in Ohio

2010-11-27T22:36:00.000-06:00

Normally, it's Cleveland we head to when visiting with Terry's family - but this year we switched it up and booked a last minute flight to Piqua, where most of the family was gathering for Thanksgiving.

Click on album for pics.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving holiday!

Thanksgiving '10 with Grandma Rosie - Ohio

Hooray For Halloween!

2010-11-01T10:09:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a bit of a Halloween extravaganza... Friday afternoon I took the girls to Terry's office for a costume contest, loads of sweets and some ghoulish fun! The place was decked out. That's fo sho. Mad Hatter was their theme this year, and WOW, they did a fantabulous job. The girls had a blast!

Costume contest

The little girl on the far right won 1st Prize. She was an aquarium. It was AWESOME!

The Queen of Hearts and her little warm pig.

My favorite!

Rah Rah!!

With Ariel and Tink balloons. Grace, look excited! Tink has wings!

Neighbors and Friends. :)

She was scared of fire crackers, but wanted a pic with Death.

Hope your Halloween was spoooktacular!

Rah Rah Siss Boom Bah!

2010-10-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

Halloween costume party at school today!

Happy Two-Days-Until-Halloween!

Skillet Ready in Nine Minutes!

2010-10-26T13:15:00.000-05:00

The Bulging Worm: Just good old-fashioned, albeit nasty, nature. If nature had a 1-800 customer service number I would have called her and bitched about how my stomach almost digested a see though, overweight worm with a face. It had eyes y'all. And they were big. And black. And STARED AT ME.

The Taco Bell Glove: Disgusting. Imagining how that even happened had to be left up to my imagination. Which ran wild and left me feeling even more grossed out.

And now.. the trifecta:

Last night I cut open a bag of Bertolli Shrimp, Asparagus and Penne and tossed it into a skillet. The last thing to slide out was NOT a piece of shrimp, asparagus or penne pasta. One of these things was NOT like the others.

I picked up the unidentified frozen item and knew exactly what it was. I called Terry's name and brought him the foreign object I found in our frozen dinner. I asked him to tell me what it was. He held it in his hand. Twirled it around. He smelled it and said, "It's wood." I said, "From what?" He said "Follow me." I followed him into the office where we have a huge fake ficus tree in an enormous wooden basket. He said, "It's from here." He held it up to the basket then said "No, wait. It's not, it doesn't match." I said, "That's because I FOUND IT IN OUR BERTOLLI DINNER."

For serious. A chunk of wood. It's now actually two chunks of wood because Terry couldn't leave it alone and had to play with it, finding a way to prove me wrong about it being a WOOD.

But he finally agreed.

HOW? How on Earth does a piece of wood end up in a sealed bag containing frozen food?

I'm okay with the grub worm, that was understandable. I'm even okay with the glove wrapped up in my burrito, shit happens. But WOOD? Off of an assembly line? You can't convince me it's a portion of a wooden spoon an Italian Bertolli chef was using to stir his latest creation of Bertolli favorites. Unless Unilever Corp. actually employs real chefs in their factories. A bunch of frozen vegetables and shrimp are shipped to a factory, sent down a line and shoved in a bag. There should be ZERO possibility anything other than food entering the bag.

I'd love to know where this piece of wood originated. Terry ate the meal anyway. I, however, promptly dumped my portion in to the trash can. Who knows what that thing is! It's coated with a bit of a purple-ish stain which in my opinion isn't a color on the color wheel.

I called the 800 number on my bag was informed their food is manufactured in 'nests' at different sites then frozen separately, and that it is most likely wood off of a pallet one of the vegetables was shipped inside.

They are reimbursing me in the large cash amount of $8.00. Which is almost double what I paid for it.

Score. Anyone for a Chic-fil-A sandwich with those super big funds? I'm buying!

Also, I suppose the wood is better than what this unsuspecting lady from New Zealand found when she emptied a bag of frozen Green beans.....

Yes my friends. It's the decapitated head from a tiny little field mouse. Kind of cute, eh?

I'll take wood any day.

That's what she said.

I'm An Artist. It's What I Do.

2010-10-21T13:18:00.000-05:00

I've been practicing with Halloween make-up. I think I'm getting pretty darn good.

Last year I was only able to get as far as mastering freckles. I will say though, the nine of them I delicately painted on Ava's cheeks completely transformed her into the most awesome of Strawberry Shortcakes. And if you're thinking freckles are easy to apply, they are most certainly not.... If you go too big, they are moles. If you go too small, they are age spots, and that just doesn't look right on a four year-old. Even the shade of the freckle matters. Too light and you can't see them. Too dark and they are too dark. It's very complicated.

I'm always evolving, so this year I was ready to challenge myself with one of the hardest and most elaborate of Halloween make-up creations. The Bruise.

I will not give away all of my secrets, but will share a few hints.

Take for instance the mixture of colors I used. There is an assortment of yellow in the middle, blended with a hodgepodge of colors from the olive and lime green families. I even dabbed a bit of amethyst and bluish-red around the edge near my elbow for a point-of-impact look.

It's pretty fucking awesome.

Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday

2010-10-13T21:00:00.000-05:00

She's five now.

FIVE.

Four is soooo yesterday.

Strum It Up from Kara on Vimeo.

Little Bitty Pretty One

2010-10-13T08:13:00.000-05:00

Cinco!

Fünf!

Cinq!

Five!

No matter how you say it, it's AMAZING!

Ava is FIVE! from Kara on Vimeo.

Waking Up To New Yard Art

2010-10-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

You have an old, rusty and chipped wrought-iron dog that adorns your front porch.

You also have a husband who thinks that it simply cannot go another day without being made-over with a fresh can of spray paint.

You see your husband carry the wrought-iron dog from the front porch to the back yard. Along with spray paint and rope. You secretly wonder about the rope.

You don't really give a shit, and go to bed because it is night time.

You wake up the next morning and while making coffee in your kitchen you look out the window and see this.

You take a closer look.

You anxiously wait for hate mail from your back yard neighbors informing you you're a super weird family and that your kids are no longer permitted to play with their kids.

Work It Out

2010-10-05T18:55:00.000-05:00

I have a girlfriend, Brandey who talked me joining her at a Pilate's class she takes one day a week at the Y.
I agreed and have been fairly good about going. I love it. It's slow, and I like the ab work/stretching and it's just my speed.

I've been fairly petite my entire life and have always struggled with building muscle. In 9th grade gym class, while every single other girl in my grade lifted weights, I couldn't lift THE BAR without weights. For serious. I had a spotter and everything. I was a pathetic weakling. So, now that I've had kids and am older, I'm making an effort to not be such a pathetic weakling.

Since Brandey took the initiative to invite me to one of her Pilate's classes, I decided to switch things up and ask her to join me in another class at the Y. Even though she works out multiple times a week and probably has no time to fit anything else in... I asked. She agreed. The class description seemed right up my alley: toning muscles via low-cardio exercise. May I remind you, Pilate's is like the most low-impact exercise on the planet and I figured this new class would be about the same. I'd rather build muscle than lose any weight.

We showed up to class. The first thing I noticed was a Beyonce song blaring from a radio. Loud as hell. That should have been my first clue as to how bad of a TRAIN WRECK this would become. I see people setting up those step things, and getting out like 8-10 lb. dumb bells. OH JESUS. I expressed my concern to Brandey, who laughed at me as she started jumping to and fro on her little step-thingy. Moving hands up and down, and left and right. And OH MY GOD Y'ALL. I am sooooo NOT COORDINATED. I jumped onto my step-thingy and tried to keep up but WHY IS EVERYONE MOVING SO FAST?? And why am I sweating after 11 seconds of jumping up and down with total lack of rhythm?

At this point, Brandey is laughing hysterically. Seriously. To her, it's a breeze and was keeping up no problem. I on the other hand... fainted when the instructor yelled for us to jump off of our little step-thingies, and instructed all of us to GO RUN AROUND THE ENTIRE BUILDING.

TWICE.

Ex-cuh-uuuuse me?!?!

I didn't sign up for this shit!!! I don't .... RUN! Maybe when I'm taking my kids to school, I run... to get their little butts inside and in their seats as quickly as possible so I can meet my friends for breakfast, but I don't like, run run. Brandey made me do it. I ran around the building...almost twice. All the while sweating bullets while everyone else was leisurely jogging and some how talking all at the same time. I could barely breathe and felt like my intestines were forcing their way out of my abdomen wall. How the hell is this classified as LOW-CARDIO?!?! I get thru the running. Whew. We are now back inside on the step-thingies. Jumping to and fro. Except I can't get the rhythm down and out of like twenty people, I'm the only one confused on which leg goes up/down and which arm to raise when, and now I'm having to add kicks and struts or whatever the hell they are called and I'm a total mess. Brandey is now trying as hard as she can to not laugh. And failing miserably.

And then, my worst nightmare comes true: the instructor calls me out. "Hey, in the back! Don't worry girl! You'll get it! Not everyone goes at the same speed!" Which I'm sure is code for: You're embarrassingly pitiful, so please get the hell out of my class because your flailing arms are distracting everyone.

It's 9th grade all over again! But this time Beyonce is on the radio and I'm sure they think I dance like this too! (Which I don't by the way. Right friends?!?!?)

I'm failing miserably, then the hellish instructor squeals: "AROUND THE BUILDING AGAIN!"
And this time, I am to stop at the basketball court and toss a basketball back and forth to a partner while running sideways. Doesn't this bitch know that if I can't master a simple old-school jazzercise move like jumping to and fro on a step-thing, that I will in NO WAY be able to handle this new task?? I try. Brandy is laughing at my failure (in a loving manner, I assume) and barely sweating. Bitch. OMG. This is like boot camp! This isn't toning and slowly utilizing your core to build strength and stamina!!

I apologize, but I will not inform you of how the remaining 45 minutes of class went. Mostly because by that point I'd thrown my step-thingy back where it belonged and stumbled out of there in search of an EMT.

To See NOTHING, Press Play

2010-10-04T22:23:00.000-05:00

A whole new season of prime time TV has begun, but I'm still watching the same shit as last year.

Several weeks before all of the season premiers started, I hopped online and watched previews for every single new show on the prime time lineup. Every. Single. Show. I found 4 or 5 that looked good, and set the DVR to record the first episode of each. The week of the premiers we left for the beach and upon returning from vacation, I sat down one night with an ice cold beer and turned on the TV. I pressed LIST and waited to see the hilarious goodness that I hadn't been able to see the week of vacation.

Nothing was on my DVR list. Let me check again. Right. NOTHING.

I stared in shock, as if it was actually a big deal, but COME ON! The SEASON PREMIER of new prime time shows ARE A BIG DEAL! I knew I had set it up to record correctly, so I knew it wasn't something I did.

Then I saw it.

The plug leading from the TV was NOT IN THE FUCKING WALL-SOCKET THING.

O.M.G.

Terry!

He UNPLUGGED the TV so we would 'save energy' while on vacation. Yes. I'm serious.

Uhhhh - - In all the 7 years we've lived in this house, he has NEVER done that. EVER. And he chooses the one week where all kinds of new shit is on TV. Needless to say, I started a huge fight and bitched and moaned all night long. Pleasantries.

But now, It's no biggie. Cuz I've seen the 2nd episode of all of the new shows and there's not one we like.

Except The Event. Which is completely cheesy, but I can't not watch for some reason.

In tonight's episode, the FBI agent was impaled by a steel shank thing in her chest, given two aspirin for pain, the steel shank thing was yanked out and she shuffled on back to work like nothing ever happened.

Late Summer Vacay 2010

2010-09-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

Click on the photo below to view album.

=)

Galveston 2010

Hello. I'm Rocky.

2010-09-19T20:19:00.000-05:00

I enjoy leaping out of gift bags with great momentum.

I enjoy disappearing under the couch then scaring the shit out

of people when I re-appear on top of their unsuspecting feet.

Also, the mole on my nose needs to be checked out. It's starting to look a bit atypical.

I'm very bendy. The lady ferrets love me.

This is my blue leash. It's a harness actually. Which cracks my shit up.

The other thing that cracks my shit up is the fact that I suddenly become paralyzed when my leash is put on.

People try to wear me like a scarf and make me perform tricks.

I don't like that shit, so I pretend I'm gonna bite their faces. And they freak out.

But then they grab me as hard as they can and squish my fragile little face against

theirs - so I pretend like I'm giving kisses.

My Little School Girl

2010-09-08T10:07:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of Ava's last year in preschool.

Her very last year.

She's smart. She's sarcastic. She tells a good knock-knock joke. She's emotional. She's kind. She's responsible. She's cautious. She's talkative. She's quirky. She's honest.

She's mine.

Aww SCAT! Today Was The Best!

2010-09-06T18:15:00.000-05:00

Check out the little BFF's. Aren't they cute?

Grace and I concentrate on our landing's while Ava makes eye contact with the camera.

Grace checks out the cottonmouth UP CLOSE with a magnifying glass larger than her entire face.

After close examination of the picture below, I realize Ava's looking at a diagram of "SCAT OF NORTH AMERICAN ANIMALS." Because every child needs to know the difference between Frog shit and Wolf shit when stumbling upon it in the woods. I never knew scat was the literal term for shit, and I love the name! SCAT. Say it, SCAT! Now when I'm running late or just jammed my finger in my car door I can shout out "OH SCAT" or "SCAT THAT HURT!", and my girls won't know I just cussed!

Scat is a cute word. Who knew poo poo could be so cute?!

Hey Grace, which bug scares Mommy the most?
Why, that's correct honey! It's the big ass roach with long wings and razor sharp pincher's!
She's so smart.

Oh, hmmm. Wait.... Maybe the bugs that scare Mommy the most are these dozens of CRISPY LOCUST SHELLS inside of a Classico spaghetti sauce jar.

Inside of a CLASSICO SPAGHETTI SAUCE JAR.

Here's a Bobcat taking a rest after ~~being given a sedative cocktail and a lush purple bath towel to relax upon~~ killing and eating its prey, then roaming the mountain side all day.

Every paleontologist needs a shovel, dust brush and pigtails.

"I'm finished!!! Finally, I'm a Beautiful Butterfly!" -Heimlich from Bugs Life

Sloshing through nature and the precious Eco-system for a picture. It's the Wildenhaus way.

Daddy and his Lovies. Minus the one taking the picture.

There I am! I love you Muppin!

Little Miss Fickle

2010-08-21T15:32:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while I stumble upon a certain remark or quip I say that infuriates Grace beyond belief.

Example #1:

Grace: "Don't bodder me. I'm not in a dood mood."
Me: "Oh Honey, you're just tired."
Grace: (head spinning around like little Regan on the Exorcist) "NO I NOT! I NOT TIRED MOM!!"

After an entire day at the pool, running errands, no nap, scorching triple digit heat, my girls will insist they aren't tired. They might be complete emotional wrecks, complaining and arguing, but "Mom! We are NOT tired!" For some reason it's something they refuse to admit.

You bet your ass they are tired. You bet your ass I'm tired!

Both Ava and Grace are pretty emotional, but Grace takes the cake in that department. She takes two cakes actually. Poor thing will cry at the drop of a hat. Terry calls her his Little Teacup. She's fragile and easily breakable. If we look at her wrong, she'll just fall apart...and usually, her emotions are at their peak after a bath. During a bath actually, she starts the meltdown process. I have no idea what it is with bath time, but I don't remember a day when she exited the tub without an attitude. It starts with "We wanna teep playing, no washing yet!" Then comes the "I don't like being wet!!" What is she, a cat?? What kid doesn't like getting wet?! Then it's "I'm told!" Then (while flailing on the floor, dripping wet and stark naked) it's "Why you not dressing me?? I'm feezing"!

Ah. Yes. Bath time. It's super fun.

Example # 2:

I'm a little teacup, short and stout,
Here is my attitude and this is how I pout.

When I get all pissed off you better look out,
Ask if I'm in a bad mood and I WILL SHOUT.

-Grace

Scareapalooza | 1999 - Present

2010-08-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

For years Terry and I have taken turns attempting to scare the living shit out of one another, then laugh hysterically in the other's face if we succeed.

It's true love people. True love.

Yesterday, I'm minding my own business, sitting in our office wandering the Internet, when I hear the door to the garage slam shut. Terry is walking toward me with the girls trailing behind. He presents to me (ONE INCH FROM MY FACE) a clear container housing a monstrous WOLF SPIDER. For a brief moment, I actually leaped out of my skin and came close to severing my spinal cord with the back of the chair trying to get away from him and the Furry Monster. Why must it have FUR?? And bunches of eyeballs? And stare at me with all of them while telepathically relaying the fact it's about to slither out of it's temporary habitat, jump across the room into my hair and burrow inside my brain?

Terry's up, one nuthin'.

I give the man credit, his patience and level of creativity with this game are exceptional.

Last summer I was outside in the driveway washing my car and came back inside sweating bullets. I approached the kitchen island and reached for the drink I had previously made. Upon lifting the glass to my mouth, I found a LOCUST'S EMPTY EXOSKELETON hanging by its crispy front legs from the side of my glass. I had no voice for the next two days as my vocal chords were shredded due to my responding with repeated violent shrieking. And hitting. There very well may have been hitting involved. Most likely. Probably.

He takes complete advantage of me. He knows bugs are my weakness. Even dead ones. I mean, who's to say they can't suddenly come back to life as you're reaching with toilet paper in hand to pick them up!? I just don't risk it. He's the Bug Getter. Dead or alive. It's in our marriage agreement.

Even my Grandmom has taken advantage of my fear of anything with more than 4 legs. She's chased me around with a cockroach in her hand, all six legs wriggling and wings flapping as I screamed bloody murder and threatened her bodily harm. She just giggled then flushed it down the toilet. I didn't pee for days.

Speaking of peeing... ha ha...years ago at our old farm, we had a little guest house we would hold birthday celebrations and summer gatherings inside. One afternoon, we were all inside the house when we heard my Grandmom scream. She busted out of the bathroom yelling that something had "brushed up against her" while she was using the bathroom. Uhh Muhh Gawd. We went to take a look and found a big ass water moccasin swirling around in the toilet. That would have kept me from using that toilet forever if that shit happened to me. Never mind that tiny cockroach. Heebie jeebies, much?

I have successfully scared the shit out of Terry only a handful of times. There was the time I jumped out of a dark hallway after he thought I'd long gone to bed. That got him good. RRREAL GOOD. He looked like an Olympic Gymnast leaping backwards at least 5 feet.

(I preface this next story with noting I have a slight obsession with Q-tips and use them everyday, pulling and twisting the end then attempting to feel the inside of my brain.) Terry and I lived together in an apartment while we were engaged and after us staying in and drinking a bit too much, I emerged from the bathroom with one of my trusty Q-tips in hand, blood running out of my ear and down the side of my face. I ran up to him and told him I'd shoved it in too far and felt something burst and was in excruciating pain. Knowing that he couldn't drive and I was in need of serious medical help, it was hilarious, and to date, my best scare yet. I allowed the fear simmer a little while before I let him in on my fun with ketchup.

To date, he has definitely won more Scare Awards than I have.

But that's okay because as much as I hate the game, I love it.

Here Kiddie Kiddie Kiddie, Wanna Ride?

2010-08-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

I took Ava and Grace to the mall this morning, along with two friends and their kids. We met in the kiddie 'playscape' area that consists of a 3-foot high enclosure with a slide too small even for The Little's, (remember them? weren't they cute?!) and a plastic car that only one and a half toddlers can fit inside.

All of us moms have been waaaaiiitttting to walk into our mall one day and see a BRAND NEW PLAY SCAPE! Complete with modern toys, a slide that can take more weight than a newborn baby, and I dunno, just some new shit! Rather than this old shit that's been there way too long.

We walked into the mall this morning and instead of seeing a new dreamy play scape for our kids, we see a brand new HUGE-ASS CAROUSEL. In the MIDDLE OF THE MALL. Directly NEXT TO the old-ass play scape. Sure, it's new. But it's also not free! Like our old-ass play scape we love to hate, but still use all of the time anyway because we are cheap and lazy and like to sit while our kids play.

I'm sorry, but you just can't meander thru a mall with children under 10 and attempt to pass right by a HUGE-ASS CAROUSEL without stopping. Children are spazzy, and will freak out and point all once to the enormous and completely out of place carousel and make you take them on it.

So now.... not only do us moms sit while our kids play on an old-ass play scape made for 10 month-olds, we are now forced to fork over money for an over priced dizzying spin around a merry-go-round.

We actually got a good laugh when upon entering the ride, we read some strict rules for 'proper riding'. Which included NO HIGH FIVES to other riders while ride is in motion. I'll admit, it was so much freakin' fun that near the end of the ride, I gave Grace a silent, tiny high five pat, while I was holding onto her. No one noticed. Thank God! I hope they don't review their surveillance video.

Our laughter quickly subsided when we realized that not only does this carousel have the run of the mill pretty ponies to choose from, it also gave you a choice between a demonic killer monkey from a Stephen King movie or a devil-red, pissed off wild boar. With tusks.

Who is the freakazoid that designed this thing? Not one single child rode on either of those creepy animals. The hellish monkey has forearms that are entirely too muscular and would most likely be used to rip off your face. And the devil-red wart hog thing is in mid charge - ready to flip you in the air, then gouge you in your heart on your way back down.

But... there was one amazingly pretty pony.

Although, The Freakazoid named her "Willie" for some strange reason, it appeared he gave her a few overnight treatments of Latisse for a bit of a lash boost. Just look at those lashes! So lush!

Barbie Styling Salon

2010-08-07T18:03:00.000-05:00

Barbie's little sister, Skipper, goes to the salon for a haircut.

2007 Limited Edition "Skipper" Barbie

Skipper's hair extensions.

Introducing: The "Diva" Barbie!

Get ready for a FABULOUS time,with the NEW 2010 "Diva" Barbie

Featuring:

Multi-colored summer dress and matching shoes.

Large white hair bow. (Not pictured)

Insanely kissable cheeks.

Attitude for miles.

Also includes:

Pull-string with sayings such as: "Tan I have some tookies?" "Look! It's stinkling outside!",

and "I tan do it, I pumice I'll be tarefull."

Order now. Supply won't last.

I'm Throwing Up My Hands In Disgust

2010-08-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

I found the cutest bedding set on Friday at Target. I bought bright white sheets to go along with it and hurried home. I tossed everything into the washing machine then made our bed with it, and beamed with happiness at my purchase. It looked so great! Less than a day later, Ava puked all over it. She stumbled into our room at 1am, which is really out of the ordinary for her, snuggled up next to me, told me her stomach was hurting, then just as I could hear her gurgle, she puked all over the bed. I jumped up and tried in vain to hurl (hilarious pun) her around and point her projectile down toward the carpet. That didn't work too well and I basically shoved all of her hair into her face while she barfed all over our bed and floor. My vivid, bright white sheets and comforter were now soaked in regurgitated chocolate milk and macaroni noodles. Hey, I figure if I've gone this far with dirty details, I might as well take it to the end. I like to paint a picture for my audience. I'm artsy that way.

Dace Wose

2010-07-27T09:52:00.000-05:00

For as long as we can remember, Terry and I have had to physically lay with Grace in her bed until she fell asleep at night. That was our doing, of course, but it became quite an ordeal and it shaved a huge chunk of time off of our evening together. One of us would stay with her, watch her fall asleep, then attempt to exit her room with the agility of a ninja as to not awaken the sleeping princess.

Let me tell you how excited I am to say those days are OVAH.

It took a few nights of adjusting, but now she goes to bed like a big girl, falls asleep on her own and we finally get our evening back.

Last night, a few minutes after tucking her in, Grace walks up to us on the couch and says,
"Mommy, tan you tie this sting around my wobe?" "Sure, honey. Now please get back to bed."

She disappeared back down the hallway into her room.

Ten minutes later we found her like this:

Santa Barbara | July 2010

2010-07-20T10:19:00.000-05:00

I'm back from sunny California and my oh my, I can't wait to share how much fun I had!

It was such a FANTASTIC trip!

For my very first time in CA, lemme tell you how lucky I am to have had it be Santa Barbara I visited first!
I will forever compare the next city I visit in Cali to sweet SB. It definitely set the bar high as far as beauty is concerned. The beaches were gorgeous, coupled with bright blue skies, cool breezes, and mountain/ocean views. Three days to wander around and find great lunch spots, boutiques, and a seat on an outdoor patio to enjoy one of many frothy and delicious adult beverages.

I flew in with Renae and Jeff on Thursday morning, Melissa and Chris arrived later that evening and Tricia and Laura came in Friday afternoon. So, most of us spent three full days exploring, laughing, eating, drinking, shopping, and relaxing! We managed to get in a ton of play-time before the Big Event on Saturday evening. And I managed to fall in love with Santa Barbara in just those three days.

Brett and Annemarie were married at the Firestone Winery in Santa Ynez Valley on "Seven.Ten.Ten."

I must say, the wedding location was absolutely stunning, as was the bride, sweet Annemarie.

Mr. and Mrs. Brett Bollman - Check out her shoes!!

Brett and Annemarie!

Tricia, Melissa, Laura, Me

Dinner at Hungry Cat!

Drinks on State Street

The water was fuh-reezing!

Beautiful scenery every where I turned...

Oh Yes I did. And it was FUN!

The Bride and her girls!

My favorites: bougainvillea and alstroemeria in the Gardens at The Biltmore / Four Seasons

Wine tasting at Firestone

**Open album below for complete set of pics**

Santa Barbara, California

Chagrin Falls

2010-06-23T21:36:00.000-05:00

Every two years, Terry's sister Missy opens up her home to host their Wildenhaus Family Reunion. About 20 peeps attended this year, and Ava and Grace were able to spend quality time and hang with 9 of their cousins. Terry and I were definitely able to relax and unwind while the Big kiddos took over playing with and watching the Little kiddos for the entire visit. Awesome!

Our flights this time around were soooo much easier than the last. We didn't have to worry about when was the perfect time to give the baby a bottle, do her ears hurt, does she need Tylenol, when will she stop screaming, crap - she crapped, WHY isn't there a changing table in the airplane bathroom, the list went on and on and on.

The only special item we brought for the girls this time was GUM!

Done! Easy!

We spent 6 days with family, food, games and laughs! We scored with the weather, it was gorgeous! Chagrin is so beautiful, lush and green. Stepping away from the 100 degree temps for a while was amazingly refreshing. As was being with family we haven't seen in far too long.
So much fun was had by all!

Chagrin Falls, Ohio - Summer 2010

Thank you Missy and Andy! We love you!

Even Curious George Isn't THAT Curious

2010-06-14T17:07:00.001-05:00

1. *WHO in the HELL would do that?

2. *WHY?

3. *WHY in the HELL would you do that?

*ANSWER KEY:

1. Grace and Ava.

2. Because they are 3 and 4.

3. Ahem. Because they are 3 and 4.

Just like every other afternoon, this particular one I found myself wandering around the house, picking up tiny disasters left from living with two children under the age of five. I heard the girls in their bathroom. I do a walk-by and find Grace on a step stool (there is a certain irony in the term: step stool) talking to herself in the mirror, and Ava is behind her, going potty.

I leave them alone and continue picking up their messes around the house. (There is a certain irony in that phrase.)

Hysterical laughing is now coming from their bathroom. Followed with an "UH OH" and a "OH,WOW!"

Hearing those three things, coupled with the fact they are coming from TINY PEOPLE who are in
A BATHROOM, I became immediately concerned.

I marched in there as fast as I could and found the most.disturbing.event.EVER had taken place just moments prior.

If you do not wish to find out what the most.disturbing.event.EVER is, then you best X out of this Internet window.

The girls were USING A FLASHLIGHT TO LOOK AT AVA'S POOP AS IT SAT IN THE BOTTOM OF THE TOILET.

I'm sorry if you just gagged.

I'm even sorrier if you gag again when I tell you not only were they looking at the poop as it sat in the bottom of the toilet, but they put the flashlight INTO the toilet to do this. I found out that Ava dropped it DIRECTLY ONTO her poop, in order to shine the florescent beam of wonder onto her under-water excrement.

I KNOW.

THERE ARE NO WORDS.

Please be advised, just as a precaution... try to wait at least an hour or so before eating anything after reading this. I wasn't so careful and tried to eat a chocolate chip granola bar a little while ago, and well - IT WASN'T A GOOD IDEA. This disturbing scenario is likely to replay in your head several times, because after all, it IS the most.disturbing.event.EVER.

And what's so shitty about it (besides that hilarious pun) is the fact that I'M the one who suffers after something like this happens. Not YOU. You just gag and then move on with your life. This is ETCHED into my brain. A burning beacon of blue light illuminating something that should NEVER BE ILLUMINATED.

The horror!!

My children aren't the one's who suffer from this event happening either. Sure, I shuttled their tiny butts down the hallway and into their room's and promptly slammed their door's. But I'm the one who had to get the damn flashlight out of the toilet!

Poor little Ava can barely stand to touch anything even remotely dirty, so you can imagine how the punishment of simply holding the plastic bag with her poop covered flashlight inside, was difficult for her.

And as an extra punishment, that she will only experience when she's old enough for Internet access,
I present to you:

I Keep On Knocking But I Can't Come In

2010-06-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

How was my evening tonight, you ask?

Why, it was GRAND.

NO.

SUPER GRAND.

SUPER GRAND WITH A BIG FAT SIDE OF BUSTED UP RIGHT-CHEEK BONE.

Obviously, there's a story here... and please allow me to preface this story by expressing how much I love my children. I love them like a fat kid loves cake. I gotta have them. I gotta eat them up as often as possible. Because they are adorable. And hilarious. And I digress.

There might be some foul language in this story. Not really directed AT my kids, Grace, in particular, who is the STAR of this story, but foul language directed mostly at her actions earlier this evening. Her action. Singular, actually.

---

I hear my cell phone ring. I stop. I listen. The ringing is coming from my bedroom.

I run from the laundry room, down the hall, dodge a small choo-choo train, leap over a plastic shovel and I get to my bedroom door.

I grabbed the door handle, with lots of momentum, (keep in mind I'm running) and SLAM FACE FIRST INTO THE FUCKING DOOR.

It's locked.

I let out a little laugh, because OMG if Terry would have seen it, he would have been on the floor "ROFLMAO." (Or whatever the kids are saying these days.) Then - the pain hits and and I let out a little whimper. And then I feel the steam shooting out of my ears like it does in the cartoons. "GIIIIIIRRRRRLLLLLSSSSSS!!!!!!!"

Ava gets to me first, because, hellllloooo, she just felt the entire house shake from her mom SLAMMING FACE FIRST INTO THE FUCKING DOOR.

Ava happily tattles on Grace, and says she's the one who locked it.

I grabbed Grace and warned her about locking doors. And sternly said "What if there was a fire and you were trapped and Mommy couldn't get to you?" And blah blah, trying to make it sound serious. She starts BALLING. Huge tears, and everything. "I scared of locked doors wiffout you Mommy!" "I don't want fire, Mommy!"

---

The key won't work. I walked around the house locking the other bedroom door knobs and of course it works for EVERY OTHER DAMNED DOOR IN THE HOUSE EXCEPT FOR THE ONE THAT IS LOCKED FOR REAL.

---

So here I sit. At the computer. Blogging.

I could catch up on Words With Friends. I could answer my phone when it rings. I could play a stupid game. I could do without the huge knot I have on my right cheek from SLAMMING FACE FIRST INTO A FUCKING DOOR. But I can't do any of those things. Because my phone is still trapped behind a damn door.

I could not be so upset with Grace. I could sneak into her room, crawl across her floor, pick her up and rock her in my arms while singing "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be," you know, like that creepy old lady did in that one book?

I definitely will not do that. That's way creepy. I don't care what you say.

I'll settle for making her favorite blueberry pancakes in the morning, look her in the eyes and tell her Mommy's sorry for getting so upset. Then she will ask why my face is purple, and I will let her do one of her most favorite things: bandage me up with one of her Hello Kitty band-aids.

That will make it all better. :)

That, and hopefully Terry gets home soon to figure out a way to open the damn thing.

Some Stuff. That's Happened. Recently.

2010-05-31T18:58:00.001-05:00

I've been really lazy lately with the whole blog thing. Well, lack of blogging due to laziness and the tiny fact that it's summer and I'm EXHAUSTED after the kids go to bed and that's usually when I blog.
The kids wear me out with the pool, bike riding, parks, picnics, jumpy castles, running, jumping, crazy-shit-that-kids-do, and when the sun goes down - I turn into a little old lady. 8:30 pm. rolls around and my face is covered in cold cream, I've got my old and tattered, flowy jammies on and and off to bed I go. The nights of blogging late into the evening are over during the summer. I'm just too tired. You never know though... maybe it will change and I will be bugging the hell out of you more frequently. Yay! I know! I'm super exciting!

My point with all of this... is here's some stuff. That's happened. Recently.

Yes. We did.

We met for coffee and cheesecake then hit the theater.

SUPER FUN! SUPER FUNNY!

Look! It's CLAIRE! My sisters newest addition. She's cute!

Tiny little thing, with a tiny little mouth and tiny little hands and OMG newborns are tiny!

No matter how many times you tell a 3 and 4-year-old

about a newborns personal space... they WON'T LISTEN.

Lunch on Memorial Day at the Hula Hut with NONNIE!!

I could sop up their cuteness with a biscuit. That's actually really gross sounding. But you get my point.

My mom and her favorite youngest daughter.

Dignity Down The Drain

2010-05-25T11:49:00.000-05:00

Poor Chelsea. She's embarrassed. She's humiliated.
The other cats in the neighborhood are surely talking shit about her.

You can't deny the lion-cut is damn cute. Seriously. The fluffy tip on her tail is icing on the cake.

Can't you sense her excitement?

The girls pin down the backyard freak show to get a better look.

This post is lovingly dedicated to Lindsay, Rachel, and Brandey. Three special girlfriends who love me so much they can barely stand it. Meow Bitches.

Family Fun Day 5K

2010-05-21T10:00:00.002-05:00

Last Sunday was Family Fun Day at the RR Diamond. Terry ran the 5K while the girls and I tried NOT to work up a sweat while playing a few fun games to win small prizes. Grace won a H-E-B pedometer, which, for the rest of the day she called her 'beeper'. Ava won a weird, flimsy red backpack thing, which she stored her brown, soggy, half eaten apple inside. We walked past one of the health booths and inside a huge plastic bin were hundreds of tiny, plastic band-aid holders. I initially took just one out of the bin, and the lady behind the table looked down at Ava and Grace and told me to take as many as I needed. I grabbed a big ass hand full. They might be in your stockings this year girls... Mommy's not kidding.

Terry with his two trainers.

I knew I wanted to get some pictures of the start of the race, and ended up standing half-way in the middle of the designated 'track' which annoyed some runners. But, most of the runners smiled at me on their way past and made funny faces at my camera. :)

This kid in jeans bolted off the line and ended up passing the lead car.

Needless to say, he did not hold that pace the entire way.

#489 kind of looks like a very happy Freddy Krueger. Just sayin'.

T-Dub crossing the finish line! Whoo hoo!

WHY are they squatting?!

WHY does Grace have the OlanMills-esque hand on the cheek?

Obstacle Course!

BTW: Grace + jumping jacks = TOTALLY HILARIOUS.

Everyone loves a good old fashioned bean bag toss!

It was a really fun afternoon! Maybe next year I will run WITH Terry.

BTW: Me + running (any distance) = TOTALLY HILARIOUS.

Useless and Exciting Bits-O-Info

2010-05-15T16:47:00.001-05:00

Terry and I hit up Target today to search for a portable DVD player with dual screens for the girls. We found one on sale. Perfect. The Hungover Teenager... excuse me... The Target Associate, dilly dallied his way over toward us to remove it from the locked cabinet. We opened it, checked it out then decided that's the one we wanted. Then I remembered seeing something a couple of years ago about an iPhone app that reads bar codes. I found the app on my phone and downloaded it. I scanned the bar code on the DVD thing and a plethora of information popped up in front of my very eyes.

OMG YA'LL.

Was I the last person on the planet to use this app? Where was I when the most awesomest, most totally rad bar code scanner app thing was all the rage??! Never mind you: Words With Friends, you're so boring compared to my new totally awesome Waste Of Time!

You guys, I'm like a BAR CODE BANDIT! Bandita! I mean. Cuz I'm a girl.

I came home and started scanning. I couldn't stop! I scanned the new lingerie I just bought for a girlfriend, and saw how much it was and where I could purchase it...even though I had just bought it and had the receipt in my back pocket.

I scanned the Pringle can in our pantry. I ran over to Terry to show him how it gave me a COMPLETE LISTING OF INGREDIENTS ETC., he ~~rolled his eyes and peered around me to continue watching golf~~ was just as amazed as I was!

I scanned our milk! And picture frames! And some unopened socks in my sock drawer! I'm addicted!

I scanned Slippers! Because she's a little bitch. And because I wanna know how much she's worth. I'll need to know that when I'm forced to decide if I will pay for surgery to remove that damn, green plastic leaf next to her left paw, that I know she's going to eat after I walk out of the room. And it will get all tangled up inside her intestine, just like the damn string I paid to remove from her flabby fat-sack, four years ago. Little Bitch.

Oh! And I scanned a book from Ava's room, cuz it had a bar code.

And a caricature of the girls on Halloween. They don't have a bar code. They are just super-cute and I wanted to rub in your face. Although contrary to the artist's opinion, Grace doesn't have a wonky eye.

Oh, and on a side note: My Grandma was digging underneath one of her guest beds yesterday and found my GLO WORM! I was 8 years-old when my dad gave it to me and my Grandma and I figured it had been under that bed for at least 15 years. That's what we determined after wiping off 15 inches of dust from its face.

circa 1985! Glo Butterfly's ROCKED!

And here's a pic of it in a dark bathroom.

You know you wanna play with it.

And fly it around in a dark bathroom and watch it glow.

Hooray For Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T17:38:00.001-05:00

My sweet Honey took his three fabulous girl's to lunch this afternoon to celebrate Mother's Day. I decided this special day called for dresses, and Ava and Grace looked absolutely precious!
I did too, if I do say so myself. ;-)

"Can we play in the sand pit?" "Puhhleeeeeease?"

Mommy's Best Friend. :)

My love bug.

"Iceteem Daddy! It's told!"

Freckle faced Ava Loo.

My little love bugs!

~HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY~

I Do Not See Dead People Kid. PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE.

2010-05-04T20:08:00.001-05:00

My week in review. Drum roll please.

No, don't check your calendar, I'm aware it's only Tuesday.

~ Little Gracie is potty training. She's only had 4 accidents in the last month or so. The last three happened today and yesterday.

Incident 1: "Mommy: I tee tee on tarpet." (directly in front of the toilet) "Sorry sorry Mommy."
Incident 2: "Mommy: I went poo poo on the potty and wiped by myself! Tumm and see!" (Not so much an accident as, omgthat'ssogross,whyisitbrightgreen??)
Incident 3: "Mommy: I need go tee tee. Wait. No Mommy. I tee tee on tarpet." (directly in front of the toilet)

Good times. No one, by the way, needs to see the aftermath left from a three year old wiping her own poo. I'm still gagging. And by the way, why does eating blue icing do *THAT* to kid poo?

~ I have night terrors. They've decreased significantly the last few months or so, but last night I woke myself up screaming HOLY SHIT as loud as humanly possible. As it turns out, screaming HOLY SHIT in the middle of the night - as loud as humanly possible - is kind of hilarious. I had to peel Slippers off the ceiling after it happened, seeing that she was sound asleep next to my head. Which was even more hilarious. But seriously. From a deep sleep, to HOLY SHIT, is good times. Maybe I have Night Time Turrets Syndrome. N.T.T.S.
Yes. It's new.

~ I'm waiting, impatiently, for my sister to go into labor. I am so ready to meet her third tiny bundle! She's waiting to find out the sex of the baby, which by the way, for me is TORTURE!! Some of us aren't as patient as she is in waiting to find out... and it's kind of becoming a problem. I will be at her appointment tomorrow morning, and plan on slipping her doctor a twenty dollar bill to spill the goods. I'll tell her to wink once if it's a girl, twice for a boy. Or maybe I should re-think the $20.00. Because she probably makes that in 30 seconds. Hmmf. I'll try to figure something out. Oh, and be prepared to see lots-o-baby pictures posted here within the next few days. Any minute actually. Tick Tock, Tick Tock Dana. Seriously. WE'RE WAITIIIIIIIIIIIING. The fact that you're incredibly uncomfortable in your last few days of pregnancy, and can barely walk, or eat, means nothing to us. Don't you care about our needs?

~ My neighbor and I were outside this afternoon, having a lovely conversation while sitting under the shade of a tree, when a little kid, whom neither of us has ever seen, rode up into her driveway on his bike. I can't really tell you everything he talked about, because I only remember one specific part of the conversation. The part where he asked us point blank: "Do either of you have a ghost?"

Uh... Excuse me for a moment, while a BIG ASS SHIVER runs down my spine. Hold on, another shiver.
He did not just say that!! This weirdo kid that came out of nowhere asks two strange women if they HAVE GHOSTS??

My response to his question was a prompt, "Umm, NO. Do YOU? Do YOU have a ghost?"

"Yes. I do." he said.

"Where?" I demanded.

"In my computer." he said. "He's very ugly and has a long tongue. And he drools. And his name is Mr. Boo."

OK KID. YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND SHUT THE EFF UP NOW! I think I could have shit my pants right there. Doesn't this kid know any form of ghost-talk freaks people out?! Especially when it comes from a strange little kid! That appears out of nowhere! On a bike! Asking ghost questions! A kid that just moved here! And LIVES.ON.OUR.STREET! Has he never seen The Sixth Sense, for God's sake!? I thank the heavens that when I asked him where he sees his ghost, he didn't say, "He's standing right next to you." OMG. I would have fainted.

Then he rode away.

And that was it.

My neighbor went inside. I went inside. And while typing this post, he's pedaled past both of our houses twice.

I have a sneaking suspicion another night terror is in store for me tonight. HOLY SHIT.

Chelsea Chelsea BANG BANG, BABY!

2010-04-21T14:54:00.000-05:00

It sucks to say, but... this post will in NO WAY represent the actual energy and excitement felt by everyone involved in Last Friday's: Seven In The City Adventure. I can try to explain how much fun all of us experienced, but, you still wouldn't be able to grasp it. The only way you will get a feel for what really happened is through viewing the pictures. And um... I think I took about 200. Oh, hush. Don't be all surprised and and shit. You know damn well if you throw 7 buzzed women into a stretch hummer with no curfew and a designated driver... only about 5 of the 200 pictures will be safe for public viewing. Plus, I'm sure more than half of you reading this are blog stalkers and would do whoknowswhat with the pictures.

So, sorry. Deal.

The evening began at Tracie's house. We were sipping champagne and discussing various subjects regarding all-things-fabulous, as per usual, when Tracie's husband, Cory, came into the kitchen and informed us our ride was outside. Tracie's son was driving all of us crazy Baby Momma's downtown and back...so we filed outside to jump in his ride. Except HIS RIDE wasn't in the driveway. A HUGE WHITE HUMMER LIMO THING was there, instead.

Get the #$&* out!!!

OMG!

It's like PROM!!!

Seven In The City

!!!Cheers!!!

1st stop... the liquor store.

2nd stop... Trudy's.

We made it!!!!

There are two of us missing in this picture.

Someone might have lost their ticket, and the other person might have helped her retrace her steps.

It had NOTHING to do with the 1st or 2nd stops we made. :)

Drink, check!

Ticket, check!

Huge, slow moving crowd, check!

Jo Koy opened for Chelsea, he was HILAR!

CHELSEA HANDLER!!!

Her show was hilarious, we cracked up until we cried.

This was one night I will remember for a very long time.

Spending time with my homegirls... chatting, smiling and laughing, all night long.

Special thanks to both Cory and Tracie...

for everything you did to make this night AWE.SOME!

I'm pretty sure this is about all we remember of our ride home. =)

Oh. And this.

Click Here If You Are Having A Crappy Monday

2010-04-12T09:54:00.000-05:00

It's not so crappy anymore - is it?

You're welcome.

Easter Sunday Funday

2010-04-06T11:36:00.000-05:00

It doesn't get any Wilder than Easter at the Ranch.

Heh heh.

Easter At The Ranch from Kara on Vimeo.

"Zoo."

2010-03-31T17:02:00.000-05:00

I tried to come up with something a little more tittilating than 'ZOO' for the title to this post, but couldn't really think of anything. And I like the word 'tittilating', and wanted to find a reason to type it. Or, perhaps it's because I've had a couple of cocktail's and all I care about is pressing publish and walking into the kitchen to squirt a slice of lime into another cocktail, sitting down and turning on the Oprah I DVR'd today.
Shhh. Don't tell Terry.

A couple of weeks ago, Brandey and I took our kiddos to the Capital of Texas Zoo. It was a fun afternoon, but it was a smaller rescue zoo, and lacked many exotic animals. The kids had a great time, but we felt the need to let them experience a bigger zoo, with lions and tigers and bears and such. Before we knew it, we'd enlisted two more of our friends and carpooled yesterday morning to the Cameron Park Zoo, in Waco.

We spent the entire day exploring, laughing and learning. Here are a few things I learned during my trip to the zoo. Typing that last sentence makes me feel like I'm in fourth grade again.

Don't be surprised if the few things I learned are of fourth grade caliber, either.

1. Owl poop is HUGE.
2. I want to own a monkey with a tiny head. There's nothing cuter than a monkey with a tiny head.
3. Giraffe's are forced to do the Downward Dog for a simple drink of water.
4. There are a lot of hidden innuendo's when it comes to the neck and head of a tortoise. Just sayin'.
5. Mother's that take eight kids to the zoo and make it out alive, deserve a big award, or a pedicure.
6. Someone tell me why a beaver's teeth are orange...
7. Watching eight kids explore the zoo made me feel like a kid again.
8. Owl poop is HUGE.

Pictures say it all, and here they are......

Cameron Park Zoo

Mom. Please Go Sit Down. I've GOT This.

2010-03-11T22:30:00.001-06:00

Amber and I meet up basically every Thursday at a park to let our kiddos play, have a picnic and gossip about anything new that might have happened within the last six days of seeing each other. It's a blast! I truly cherish my Thursday's With Amber. This Thursday was basically the same, except for the addition of one very thrilling event. My first born learned to RIDE A BIKE! No Training Wheels! YAY! I know! What's even more thrilling, is that she learned on the same bike Amber's son, Gage, learned on. He upgraded to a majorly cool motorcycle-looking bike a few months ago, and since Ava's bike has training wheels, and his old one doesn't, we thought we'd see how Ava did scooting around his old bike.

I was astonished. Within an hour, I went from walking behind her holding her seat, to running behind her holding her seat, to her demanding I go sit on a bench because my running along side her was distracting. She put in at least a billion trips around park before we'd left. My cheeks hurt so badly from smiling all morning. And poor little Ava's hiney hurts from all of that riding. Girls get the raw end of the stick when it comes to bike riding, btw.

I am such a proud Momma. I have no idea how I managed to keep from calling Terry. All day I wanted to drive to his office and scream at his building, "OMG! BIG KID MILESTONE ALERT! SHE DID IT!"

What can I say... I have mad secret keeping skillz.

That, and the fact that Ava requested I not tell Terry until he got home from work.

Take a look at our BIG GIRL! Aren't you proud?!?

Go Speed Racer, GO! from Kara on Vimeo.

E.R. Playdates Are Where It's At!

2010-03-10T16:10:00.003-06:00

Seriously. Last night was one for the books. The evening ended well, but the beginning to the evening was a big shitstorm of blood and tears.

It was gorgeous outside yesterday and Ava and Grace wanted to run around in our backyard for a bit. Ava popped in to use the potty and as we were heading back to the yard, we found Grace standing at the door with blood pouring from both nostrils and her mouth, screaming at the top of her lungs. I shrieked. My shriek led to Ava's shriek, which led to all three of us shrieking simultaniously. I grabbed Grace, who by the way, was COVERED in mud. (Apparently, mud pie making is the new tree climbing.)

I rushed out the front door and over to my neighbor Julie's house - she too, shrieked at the sight of poor Grace's face.Total shriek fest. She came over to take care of Ava while I rushed her to the hospital emergency room. Let me add, before I left, we sat Grace on the counter to both try and determine what had happened. There was so much blood... but we couldn't locate any wounds under the blood. In order to keep the hospital staff from thinking I keep my child in an underground cave beneath our home, I washed off her hands and feet. For serious, she already looked enough like a hillbilly. I didn't need to add fuel to the fire with bare feet, blood AND mud. Where in God's name did I grow up, Dogpatch?
I checked her into the E.R., and after having her vitals taken and being cleaned up, Grace and I took a seat in the waiting area, while an available room opened up.

I heard someone call my name. I turned around to find my friend Brandee and her three daughters sitting across the room. One of her daughters, four year-old Brooklynn, had a huge bandage on her forhead, and blood all over her shirt.We sat together for the next 40 minutes, and the four girls played while Brandee and I talked. And laughed. And scheduled a playdate. And a happy hour.

Brooklynn sliced her forhead open after she rode her bike into the back of an open tailgate. Eeesh. I saw the wound and OMG OMG OMG, I soooo know why I'm not a doctor. Or a nurse. The amount of schooling it involves might be one small reason, but the other is because I get queasy looking at my own razor burn.

Trauma Tots

~Brooklynn & Grace~

(They compared blood stains, and Brooklyn won by a LONG SHOT)

Soon after our hubbies arrived, the two little cuties were called back. We were lucky enough to have rooms next to each other because Grace had become very attached to her new friends, at this point.

She wore gloves in the event of a disease outbreak.

But only on her left hand, for some reason.

She called them 'dubbs'.

Two dubbs Mommy. Peeze.

Brooklynn played peek a boo-boo.

Even the tiniest laceration to the inside of the tiniest of noses will produce copious amounts of blood. So much so, that you'll think your child's face has been knawed off by something with a shitload of VERY sharp teeth. When in reality, that just ain't the case.

Turns out she slipped on our patio and fell face first into the concrete. Busting her forhead and slicing the inside of her nostril, but it didn't need stitches. Unlike poor little Brooklynn, who needed five. :-(

In the end, those four little girls will probably become good friends, and those two little Mommy's will be hitting up a happy hour together, really soon. Smiles all around.

Hello. My Name is Kara. And I'm an Oreoholic.

2010-03-08T10:40:00.001-06:00

Umm, hellooooo?! WHERE on earth did winter go? How is it already MARCH?? WTH? I can't believe summer is right around the corner. But, I am kind of excited, though. But only for the heat and the lake and the pools and the multiple, frosty alcoholic beverages on outdoor patios. Not for all of the work that comes with summer. Summer time for girls is hard work, people. There's shaving, moisturizing, fingernail painting, toe painting, the daily rubbing in of fake tanning lotion because I'm naturally as tan as a translucent newborn mouse.

Seriously.

Maybe the shaving and stuff I should be doing year round, but I don't. I certainly don't stop shaving completely, but I don't do it every damn day. I just don't have the time for that stuff. That is a lie. I do have the time. I just don't care. I'd rather save up all of those precious minutes and spend them on a couch. Under a snuggie. Watching TV and eating oodles of oreo's, which I've done all winter long. I know I must emerge from hibernation sooner or later, but I pick later. However....swimsuit season is creeping up on me, so it's probably a good idea to start dwindling down the number of oreo's I consume in the evenings. Maybe knock it down one or two a night. I don't want to throw myself into withdrawal or anything, so I'll start slow. I'm not crazy.

The Olympics In Review

2010-03-02T16:09:00.001-06:00

It's been a few days since the closing ceremonies for the games, and like most of the world, I sat my ass on a couch every night at 7:00 p.m. sharp to watch some of the best athletes in the world, compete for gold, silver and bronze. If they had a sport for consuming unnecessary quantities of ice cream, thin mint Girl Scout cookies and popcorn, while watching the Olympics, I came away with the Gold. Take that losers.

Here are a few of the things I learned after watching the 2010 Winter Games:

1.) Apolo Ohno - Although he's got a great smile and thighs that could crush a unripened watermelon, he's only 5'8. That fact, unfortunately, lowers his hotness level significantly.

2.) Curling - WTF! ?????????

3.) Figure Skating - My favorite!! Except for when Britain's brother/sister pair took the ice. All I could concentrate on was the fact that the brother had his hands all over his sisters ass. They gazed into each other's eyes. They flipped each other around and touched 'those parts' together. They did wear cowboy hats, cutt-offs and country western shirts, which fits in line with the whole country bumpkin/incest thing, but come on. Did she really have to ride around on your lap while the both of you shot your finger guns at the audience?!?! Ick.

4.) Skikjøring totally needs to qualify as an official Olympic sport. Google it. How fun!

5.) Figure Skater Johnny Weir - He comes in at a close 2nd to my BFF Kathy Griffin. He's so fierce! So Glam! LOVE him!

6.) Bobsled Racing - These guys' shouldn't be considered 'athletes'. They wear full-body leotards. They have beer guts. They get all ass-slappy with each other, then run a little bit and jump into a tube together. Gravity and momentum do all of the work. Seriously.

Also,

Duuuude!

Mmm. Beer.

Two HUGE egomaniacs.

Go ahead and laugh. You know it's true.

If MY brother ever held me like that...he'd be in prison.

So berry faaaaabulous!!

Squidward has the better attitude of the two.

Tot Talk with Dace Wose

2010-02-26T18:13:00.001-06:00

Most of Grace's baby talk has faded. There are a few words she can't quite pronounce all of the way. Most of the words she says are clear, but there are some words she says that people who don't know her, wouldn't understand.

There's a little boy in her preschool class whose first name is Vishvesh. I spelled that correctly. It's pronounced just like it's spelled. (WTF, I know.) I make it a point to have Grace say his name like 3 times a day. Because she says BISH BESH. And that cracks my shit up.

A few months ago we took Ava and Grace to visit our friends Kendra and James, and their two little kids. They made us dinner and after hanging out a while, upon leaving, Kendra walked us all out to our car. Terry started buckling Grace in her seat, and Grace pointed directly at Kendra and began frantically shouting WHORE! She wouldn't stop shouting it. WHORE! WHORE! Kendra stared at us in confusion, and the look on her face was complete shock. Terry and I were doubled over in laughter as Grace was now crying, still shouting WHORE! We barely were able to speak, laughing so hard, trying to explain to Kendra that's the way Grace says "her", she wanted WHORE to buckle whore up. We laughed for an hour. It was hilarious.

Sometimes we're at the grocery store or the mall and Grace will point a lady out for some unknown reason, and I'm all like, "Who?" and she yells "Whore!" It cracks my shit up. Every time.

"Oh no MOM! Cinderwella! I left whore at stool today MOM! In Ms. Fiona's tass! You go dit whore MOM! Whore sleeps in whore bed every night!"

She loves her Sleeping Buelley doll. She tells me at night to have sweet deems. She says her nasal spray gives her energy. Her favorite singer is Hanna Tanna. She tells everyone she's Dace Wose and she's Two Years Ode. She likes playing with flashtards. StumStob BearPants is her favorite tartoon. She calls noodles, noonels. She tells me stirrels hold nuts in their moufs. She's wants me to hode her when it's fundering. She tells fat people they have big bellies, to their faces. She loves to chew bubble-dum and eat iceteem.

She makes me laugh everyday. I'm so in love with whore.

Sunday Fun Day | Tuesday Snow Day

2010-02-23T13:06:00.000-06:00

Two days ago we spent the entire day outside cleaning out the garage, washing windows, planting flowers. The girls played in the front and back yards until they were exhausted. The high was 74 and we were all smiles, and couldn't get enough of the gorgeous sunshine! Toward the end of the day, Terry and I had things wrapped up and were about to take the girls inside to start dinner when I heard a haunting sound. Our neighborhood ice cream truck was slowly rolling down our street playing the most ominous ice cream truck music ever.

There's always the deeply disturbing thought in the back of my head that ice cream trucks are all full of dozens of freakish, homicidal clowns ready to leap out, stuff my wriggling body into a potato sack and take me to the Big Top to torture me after the sun goes down.

We stayed close to our girls while they picked out their treats, just in case any maniacal clowns with smeared make-up tried anything stupid. We made it home safely and the girls gobbled up their Spiderman and Sponge Bob Popsicles. I ate an enormous Neapolitan ice cream sandwich and Gracie let me take a big chunk out of Spiderman's head, which was delicious.

I'd love to know why every single ice cream truck I've ever seen perusing down my street looks like it was tossed 1,000 feet during a tornado. How the hell do they get so busted up? What the hell are people doing to these trucks when they buy ice cream?? I've never even touched the outside of one. Why are there five different coats of paint chipping off? Who actually touches an ice cream truck? Typically, don't you simply reach your hand up and take your frozen selection from the scuzzy truck driver's hand? Leaving the side of the truck unscathed? I don't get it. Every one I've seen looks like it's been through a demolition derby.

This morning we woke up to 33 degrees and snow. Fat and fluffy snowflakes dancing down from the sky. The girls laughed at our poor outdoor cat, Chelsea, who struggled to find even a small piece of dry grass to you-know-what. We laughed at her expense while she went potty without squatting. The ground was much too cold for her precious little butt to touch. Meanwhile, our two less deserving, spoiled rotten indoor cats were staring out the window wondering if the world was ending.

I'm Smitten For Another Man, Ohno!

2010-02-12T11:54:00.001-06:00

Yes, that was a gay title, but I'm serious. Apollo Anton Ohno might be the only thing on my mind at night for the next couple of weeks. His trademark soul patch totally creeps me out, but his athleticism, muscular legs, talent, and muscular legs, totally do the opposite of creep me out.

I hope Terry doesn't mind me being over excited to watch The Olympics this Valentine's Weekend. I'm just really into The Olympics.... Can't wait to see The Olympics. I will be DVR-ing ALL of The Olympics.

Mom w/ Kids Seeking Other Mom's w/ Kids - Must Have Sense Of Humor and be a Social Drinker

2010-02-01T15:41:00.000-06:00

I have been out of the dating scene for quite sometime now - and never again expected to feel nervous about being asked out, or feeling pressured to accept an offer of a date, or having to remember the protocols of dating, and all of that total bullshit. I swear... since my girls started preschool, I've been thrown right back into the dating world. Except this time around it's WAAAYY worse. Now I all think about is did I not smile enough? Was I not funny enough? Was it because I had on a jogging suit and mismatched flip flops? Why didn't that mom ask me out?!?!?! What the hell is wrong with me? I totally thought I impressed her!!

Since my girls have started school, they've made a bazillion friends, and I've met all of those kids moms. Some I want to ask out and some I just don't. Some I hope will ask ME out, and some I hope stay the hell away from me and my kids because their kid totally knocked down my kid on the playground last year. I hope most of the Mom's at our school don't feel that same way, because Grace's behavior alone, would knock me out of the preschool play dating pool.

I've been asked out by moms who are way cool... and like me, are more interested in how delicious their pumpkin spice latte is, or play dates in the shoe department at Target, rather than loosing sleep at night because their Little Darling didn't progress from Parallel Play to Associative Play by they were 9 months old, and what kind of future will that bring?!? OHGASP!THEHORROR! For serious. Those Mom's are out there... and they are WAY SCARY.

When my girls were younger, I could lie and make some excuse about how we can't get together on the same day, or one of my girls was sick, and we couldn't make it to a play date... blah blah blah. But now, Ava's almost 5 and the kids this age are completely relentless about bugging us mom's to death about getting them and their little friends together. Half of the kids in Ava's class ask me on a daily basis to come over, or if they can have her over. And I usually shrug and do the motherly thing, lie through my teeth with a major fake smile, and say "Sure sweetie! I'll talk to your Mommy about it!" Umm, not so much.

I got asked out this morning, and I'm totally accepting. Ava loves this mom's daughter, and Grace loves her son. The kids will have a great time together and me and the mom can ~~sip our hot Starbucks pumpkin spices and talk about shit we just bought at Target but didn't really need~~ discuss pre-K curriculum and new methods of stimulating a young brain to achieve success at every level in life. Score!

Good Night. Sleep Tight. Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite.

2010-01-28T17:15:00.001-06:00

I should have never opened that damn email. I should have never read those reviews. I should have never stared at every single traveler's photo. I should have never thrown up in my mouth a little bit.

Before you see what I'm talking about, go pour yourself a piping hot can of spam-n-beanies, pop open a cold Old Milwaukee and plop your ass on your dirty old lazy boy. That should get you good and ready for what's to come. Because if you actually eat spam-n-beanies and drink that dirty beer, you'll feel right at home when you read this. Oh, and I challenge you to refrain from throwing up in your mouth a little bit. A whole bunch of times.

When Domesticated Cats Attack: Chipmunk Carnage

2010-01-21T09:39:00.003-06:00

My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't concentrate.
I can't have kittens of my own, cuz I've been fixed.
(Which hurt like a BITCH, by the way.)
This tiny chipmunk in this tree is all I think about lately.
His two huge black eyes are tugging at my heart strings.
He needs a mother to love him. I must adopt him.

Come to Momma you adorable sweet furry darling.

Sit here in between my bony legs and my droopy fat sack.
I will keep you warm, and safe from harm.

I praise and thank the Heavens for you, my new chipmunk child.
I shall name you Chocolate Chipmunk.

Uhh, Slippers? What is this thing that just crawled out of your fat sack?
It hopped over here and tried to bite me.

It was a bite and run! Bitch, you BETTER run. I'm comin' for you.

Don't try to scurry under that ottoman, you little shit.

Damn! Chipmunk has HOPS! I see you up there. And my mouth is watering.

I bet you taste guurrrd. Come to papa.

Oh Snap! Bitch made a jump for it!!

GOTCHA! ROWARRR. RRRRROWWLMMSLURP.
Mmm, tastes like chocolate.

She's A Glutton For Punishment

2010-01-06T14:47:00.002-06:00

A little declawed paw to the head never hurt anyone...right?

She Asked For It from Kara

Kickin' It In Kilgore

2010-01-05T10:11:00.001-06:00

We kicked it country style for NYE this year. Our good friends Jeremy and Jennifer had us out to their home outside of Tyler to let our kids play together and ring in the new year. We all four struggled to keep our eyes open to watch the countdown with Dick Clark, which by the way, was um.... super awkward and uncomfortable. I think it's time for Ryan Seacrest to jump in and take over. I'm just sayin'.

Terry was off work the week after Christmas and usually on vacations he goes without shaving. The night before we left for Kilgore I kindly asked Terry take a razor to that shit. He winked and agreed. The next morning we were ready to go and I caught a glimpse of his face. He took a razor to that shit alright, but now had a MOUSTACHE. Dear God. He asked if I had any small combs he could brush it with and spoke the rest of the morning in a french accent. "Oui Oui, baybeee!" Lord help me.

I tried to convince him to pee in a cup during the trip, cuz God forbid anyone see me with him and his moustache. I can't even type the word moustache without cringing. He jumped out of the car at the first pee break and came out of the gas station with a "mask for the girls." Riiiiight.

Even Ava looks embarrassed.

Hilar.

Two cheerleaders and a German beer garden waitress.

I have ABSOLUTELY no comment.

Orange Blossom, Apple Dumplin' and Strawberry Shortcake riding Rowdy.

Here are all of the pictures from the trip!

NYE in Kilgore

A Tale of Two Princesses

2010-01-04T19:01:00.000-06:00

Excited & ready for a princess birthday party!

Pissed & crying after realizing she's *not going to the same party.

*Ava so kindly mentioned to her the party was for "big-kid 4 year olds, not tiny baby 2 year olds."

Anyone that knows Grace knows that WENT OVER REALLY WELL.

That Santa Is One Cool Dude

2009-12-24T09:33:00.002-06:00

I'm telling you, he has basically run the roost in our house for the last 3 weeks. There's really no need for me or Terry to even be here. He single handedly keeps Ava and Grace in line. Simply speaking his name out loud in front of them alters their entire attitude. If their hands are wrapped around each others necks, saying his name frees their grip. If they are pinching and poking each other, saying his name suddenly has them hugging it out. If they are chasing cats or running around like miniature lunatics, saying his name turns them into angel's. Santa is AWESOME.

We found out he can be even more awesome when along with his name, we throw in "I will pick up that phone and call the North Pole if you girls keep acting up." That one works really well. And since Ava thinks he uses a telescope to see children inside their homes, I sometimes use the "I will call Santa and have him point his telescope toward our house, if you don't stop doing that." That one works like a charm.

Santa's my new BFF.

The Velvet Devil Gave Me Hives

2009-12-18T11:44:00.001-06:00

I swear the weirdest shit happens to me. There was The Innocent Run On The Beach that turned into a nearly deadly asthma attack, The Spoonful Of Honey I Swallowed In New Mexico that nearly killed me, and as of last night... The Glasses Of Red Wine that resulted in hives (is it always plural??) across my entire back and chest. And wait a minute.... when is ever singular? Can it ever be just a hive? Why is it always plural? How come I can't get a single hive? Why are they always grouped together to form hives? That shit isn't fair! Because those bitches itch! And burn! And look SO DAMN GROSS!

I remembered to remain calm and ran to the kitchen to find the Benadryl, because I'm always ~~a complete fucking spazz~~ as cool as a cucumber in emergency situations. I dug thru the medicine cabinet and found Ava's Children's Benadryl. Hmpf. Well, clearly, I'm not a child. Even though that might actually be up for debate, I at least I weigh more than a child. I contemplated taking the 2 yrs. - 6 yrs. old dose, and decided I fit more comfortably into the 6 yrs. - 11 yrs. old category. Totally. And since I'm a talented Math Whiz, I quickly calculated a formula to ensure the exact dosing measurement recommended for my weight/age combination. I poured a whole bunch into one of Grace's princess cups and guzzled. This was NO TIME FOR LOLLY GAGGING PEOPLE! At any moment I could have swelled up into One Giant Hive! OMG! Then it would have been singular! I answered my own question! Neat!

I don't get why they recommend you Do Not Drink Alcohol While Taking Their Medication...because...ummm...I totally recommend it!!! I woke up this morning, my hives were gone and I barely remember having them!

My Biggest Little Girl

2009-12-10T09:32:00.002-06:00

I've decided Ava's pretty much ready to move out of the house and begin her life on her own. She woke me up this morning, already dressed, handing me a brush and a rubber band for her hair. She does that every morning, but this particular morning I heard her rummaging in the kitchen, opening the pantry door, jingling silverware, talking to herself. I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to find her gesturing "ta-da!" with her hands, showing me four bowls and spoons, the cereal Grace eats, the cereal she eats, and muffins for me. I was concerned with her counting abilities since there are only three of us here, and then saw the can of tuna and a can opener she'd gotten out for Joey. She said he was pawing on the pantry door and figured he needed Tuna for breakfast.

I cherish the mornings that it's just me and Ava, when little Grace is still snoozing in her bed and she and I can have alone time together. It brings me back to when she was a baby and she had 100% of my attention. She was a year and a half old when her sister was born and sometimes I feel like that wasn't enough time to spend with just her. I love these mornings and when she comes into my room to wake me up, hearing her say "Mom, it's just you and me!" melts my heart.

We Don't Speak To The Un-Famous. Contact Our Agents If You Need Us.

2009-12-02T12:37:00.000-06:00

Two years ago Terry and his team from work volunteered to answer the phones during a pledge drive on KLRU. Watching him on camera cracked me up, and it cracked my dad up to watch live as he called in a dozen times and and hung up on everyone until he reached Terry. It was hilarious to watch! His team was kind of nervous, never having done it before and everyone giggled each time the camera panned over to the lucky person's who's phone rang.

This year Terry mentioned KLRU contacted him inquiring about the possibility of volunteering once again, and anyone who knows Terry knows he said HELL YES before they even finished the question. He would never turn down an opportunity to ~~stick his face in front of a live television camera~~ volunteer within the community.

He asked me if I wanted to participate this year, along with a bunch of his friends from work. And to everyone that knows me, knows that I have a huge fear of public speaking and OMG this is live television people! "Places Please!" and "5-4-3-2-ON" and all of that livetelevisionstuffthathappens. There's no running off stage or throwing up or fainting without all of the ~~100 old people watching KLRU~~ world witnessing it.

I said yes. And totally acted like I was fine with it. But Terry knows me better than that and very quickly realized he might have a problem on his hands when after the producer gave us our printed instructions on how to correctly dialogue with callers, his wife was the only one of 10 people who took their paperwork off to the side to study while everyone else ate sandwiches in the green room. It was actually a hallway, but green room sounds fancy and we're all stars-like.

Terry laughed at me which only made me more nervous. I actually though about switching to an off-camera role, answering roll-over calls. But the last minute, I decided I was fine. Having a friend sitting next to me cracking me up, helped talk me off the bridge.

Terry and I decided to sit apart to maximize the opportunity for face-time. It turned out the spot I chose had the camera on it basically every moment and his seat hid him from view for 70% of the show. Ouch!

A producer secretly plotting to block Terry from any possible camera shot.

A pre-production huddle as Denise tries to light Terry's head on fire with her eyes.

No one can stop laughing! Except Terry. Who's not visible.

Finally! One of the TWO phone calls I had all night!

Here we have Ben actually WINKING at the camera on the bottom left and Toby who's laughing so hard she needs to get her water from the floor. Hilar.

Look at you guys! Working hard on those 3 phone calls you each took! Way to go!

The kind peeps at KLRU opened up the Austin City Limits set, which was next door, and it was gorgeous! The lighting is far from ideal for my camera flash, but I'm just happy I was able to get a tour!

Pictures from behind the scenes....Enjoy! Toodles!

KLRU

Food + Family + The Farm = THANKSGIVING!

2009-12-01T13:06:00.000-06:00

Somebody needs to refil their Retin-A prescription.

Thanksgiving 2009 from Kara on Vimeo.

Parental Supervision Required

2009-11-18T19:13:00.001-06:00

Same old stuff going on here. Not much new happening. Except yesteday I let the girls out in the backyard to ~~wear their asses out~~ enjoy the beautiful sunshine, and discovered they have their very own way of ~~behaving like hillbilly banchies~~ being creative with their imaginations.

I've got the most AWESOMEST idea.

Hey Ava! Look at ME!

It's totally fun! I feel the 50 degree wind on butt! Awesome!

Here. Look at my pants. Make yours do that.

HELLZ YEA!! LEAP FROG!!

OH SHIZ. WE'RE SO BUSTED. MOM TOTALLY SEES ME.

I'm pulling mine up. Act cool Ava. Pretend we're just chillin'.

She'll never know I started it. Especially by the way I fixed my pants. I'm a totally perfect pants-puller-upper.

False Advertising

2009-11-04T16:49:00.001-06:00

I would love to meet the person who designed the packaging label for a container of barium sulfate liquid. I want to introduce myself to this person and instead of walking up and shaking their hand in a very cordial manner, rather use that same hand to slap them across the face as hard as humanly possible.

How full of shit are you man?! Trying to fool us by designing a label with pictures of vanilla beans, fragrant white flowers and frothy milkshakes with whipped cream squirted atop?? Are you kidding??

Do you think there's even 1 milligram of actual vanilla bean or magnolia essence or whipping cream in this shit? Wait, I know the answer to that question. Because I drank a bunch last night and had the pleasure of having another healthy portion for breakfast this morning. I drank all 450mLs of it and it certainly didn't come close to the lovely goodness that the label suggests. It tasted like chalk, metal shavings, wet toothpick wood and sweet-n-low were thrown in a blender and pulsed on high until it formed consistency of wet cement. Doesn't it sound delightful? I gulped it right down.

Actually, I tried to gulp it right down. As Terry was standing next to me, we pretended it was a "road block" on The Amazing Race and all I had to do was gulp it down in 1 minute and AWESOME! I would win a million dollars! I tried that... um... until right before it hit my top lip... the smell made it's way into my nostrils and I gave up on the Amazing Race. I totally lost a million dollars. Sorry honey, don't be mad.

It took me 30 minutes to drink last night's portion. I drank this morning's portion in 10 seconds flat because the girls were almost late for school. Barium burps are way gross. FYI.

You can imagine how excited I was when the doctor gave me an entire new glass of exciting vanilla milkshake to drink when I arrived this morning. I tried to tell her I already drank what they'd given me and OH GAWD there must be some mistake. Before I took a sip I told her about the whole Amazing Race thing and she laughed and nodded her head, so I laughed too and drank it all. Then she told me she'd never seen the show.

Can I Get A Bzzzz Bzzzz!

2009-10-30T10:40:00.001-05:00

Ava was planning on dressing up like a cheerleader, until a couple of weeks ago when she saw an ad in the paper with a Strawberry Shortcake costume. She loves her some S.S. After she put on her costume this morning, I took her outside to spray her hair and sent her back in to check it out in her bathroom mirror. I wish I had taken a video of looking at it, with her hat off, it's really bright pink and she was totally amazed. The little things in life make a 4 year old smile, and it was exciting seeing her eyes light up as she was so berry berry pleased. She told everyone at school her hair was pink, as if they didn't notice the ever so natural, glowing pink hue of each of her pony tails.

Grace ran around the house this morning with arms out, buzzing, saying "I make honeee!" And, um, lemme tell you - if she were a real bumble bee, she'd bee the only one I wouldn't mind flying around my face. She makes a beeutiful bee, if I do say so myself. I hope she behives herself on Halloween night, and doesn't make a bee-line straight for the candy. I'm hilarious.

Happy Halloween Day at school everyone!

Strawberry, Bumble, and an adorable Baylor Cheerleader (Finley)

Spiderman (Bryson) took a break from saving the world

to pose with Strawberry.

Strawberry with Ariel (Ms. Marie)

Bumble next to her Cowgirl teacher (Ms. Fiona)

Ava Turns Four!

2009-10-19T19:38:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday Sweet Ava!

Ava's 4th Birthday Party from Kara on Vimeo.

Mr. Wizard Would Be So Proud

2009-10-08T18:11:00.001-05:00

Amber and I took our kids to Chic-Fil-A for lunch this afternoon and she mentioned inside our kids' meals were some kind of science/experiment type of toys. I tossed them into my bag and after I got home, opened them up and read the instructions. I put the girls up on the kitchen counter and "completed" the experiment for them.

Directions:
1. Fill dish with milk and let sit for 10 minutes.
2. Add a few drops of food coloring.
3. Put a single drop of liquid soap in the middle of your dish. What happens???

Oh Gawd! How fun! WHAT ON EARTH WILL HAPPEN?! The suspense killed us. So I read the part that told us what to expect:

Get ready... I was excited when I read:

"Your milk colors will EXPLODE!!"

Oh Shit! Should the kids wear goggles? I looked inside the bag and didn't see any. What about gloves?! EXPLODING milk colors must make a huge mess, right? The bag didn't have any gloves either. Where are all of the safety warnings and safety equipment? Will it burn our faces when it EXPLODES all over my kitchen?

The directions/pamphlet advised us to try different kids of milk to see what effect that would bring.

After seeing first hand the EXPLODING fireworks of color, I can hardly wait to run to the store to buy all different kinds of milk, like skim or 2%. I might even try half-and-half or even whipping cream! OMG you guys! Chic-Fil-A kid's meal toys rawk!

Milk Explosion from Kara on Vimeo.

October 4th, 19(What?)

2009-10-08T16:13:00.001-05:00

My mom's birthday was last weekend and her three lovely children got together to celebrate her big day! Lunch was late in the afternoon so we had the place to ourselves, which worked out great because the kiddos were able to be loud, run around and just be kiddos without pestering anyone. Sounds good to me!

Half of Grace's face, Ben, Chris, Madison & Kelli

Zach & Dana with Mom

Grace thought Ben's eyes should be closed.

Terry's enjoying hydrocodone. Or has gas.

Isn't this the sign for no good in football?

Yay for birthdays!! And ice cream!! With cherries on top!!

It's Friday! A Great Day For Humiliation!

2009-10-02T10:41:00.002-05:00

Last year, the morning of Picture Day at school was a huge nightmare. A total flop. Ava bitched and moaned about the outfit I'd chosen, complained about her shoes, complained about her hair... I changed her three times, it was an absolute nightmare. All the while Grace was banging her forehead on the tile floor attempting to prove just how far she will go to get my attention and make me hold her. It was a morning from hell.

Well goooooood morning! It's picture day again! JOY!

For this morning's pre-picture routine, I was prepared for the shit to hit the fan. But, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the The Picture Day Gods had spoken. And they said (amazingly) No Child Shall Bitch About What Is Placed Upon Their Bodies.

It's a frickin' miracle.

Both of my children kept their big mouths shut as I got them dressed this morning. Not a peep. Not a whimper. Not a "But Mom! I want to wear my flip flops!" or "Noooo Mommieeeee, I don't wanna wear tocks wiff my soooose!" They just sat there like limp noodles allowing me to shove arms and heads and legs into outfits I ACTUALLY PICKED OUT. It was a journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the twilight zone.

I can't go on with how easy that part of the morning was, without mentioning the fact that I was so fixated on the feeling of freedom from the lack of arguing going on in the house that I forgot there was more to getting them ready for school than their clothes. Like packing their drinks. And packing their snacks. And packing Ava's Show & Share item. And it was only when I shut off my car and opened the door in the school parking lot that I realized I forgot something way more important than food or liquid for my children. That feeling of freedom I was having - was not from an argument free morning - but from me not having on a bra. Holy shit. Not only did I forget that important part, but as I was apologizing to Ava's teacher for the lack of snacks, drinks, homework, etc., I let her in on my wardrobe shortage. Yea, I don't know why either. But for some reason I felt obligated to tell her. We're friends, but I guess not as good as I thought because when I told her, she didn't laugh or say "Girrrrrrrl please, I've done that before!", she threw her hand up over her mouth in shock. I'm not sure if she did that because I confessed to her that terrible tidbit of TMI... or because I'd said it right in front of a Dad who had been behind me the entire time trying get around me to let his kid into class.

When I was a senior in high school I was a brat and a total know-it-all, and that year my step-dad told me he was going to buy me tractor for Christmas so I could pull my head of of my ass. I could have used that tractor this morning.

Never Have I Ever...

2009-09-23T14:07:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been in a public restroom walking toward the sink when an automatic deodorizer-spritzer thing spritzes a wet, misty cloud of fresh fragrance directly into your face? Well let me tell you, it's exciting. Say the word spritz out loud. It made made me laugh too. Spritzing. Spritzed. Spritzle. Oooohh! Something should be named Spritzle! If you have a new kitten and you can't decide on a name... go with Spritzle. It's cute.

Have you ever drank an entire bottle of wine by yourself while watching the Emmy's? Well let me tell you, it's exciting.

Have you ever rolled over in the middle of the night and laid your cheek and part of your bottom lip onto cold wet toddler drool? Well let me tell you, it's exciting. And it stinks.

Have you ever gotten out of your car to get the mail when the the top part of your flip-flop, flips underneath the rest of your foot causing you to bash into the mailbox and nearly dislocate your right shoulder? And then look around, praying none of your neighbors saw it happen? Well let me tell you, it's exciting.

Have you ever been nearly stampeded in the rain by 3 goats with horns and a miniature horse because you didn't know they DO NOT like open umbrellas? Well let me tell you, it's exciting.

Have you ever consumed entirely too much wine while watching the Emmy's that you stand in front of the TV in your bedroom pretending that you've just won Best Actress in a Comedy Series? Me neither.

What Could POSSIBLY Go Wrong When You Take Your Dad's Car Out Without Him Knowing?!

2009-09-21T11:23:00.001-05:00

Brittany and Brenda were in charge of planning September's GNO. They decided to switch it up a bit and chose Nuevo Leon down on 7th, and then booked us tickets for Esther's Follies!

Pre-evening prom pose.

The eight of us hopped into two cars and hit the road. Melissa drove Brenda, Rachel and me to the restaurant and we searched for a parking spot with no luck. Then boom! We found an open spot along a curb. Then boom! Melissa backs into a huge rock next to the curb. Everyone screamed upon impact - except Melissa... who honestly didn't realize anything had even happened. I opened my passenger door and heard whiizzzzzz. I know whiizzzzzz is a pee sound -but that's all I can think of to describe a tire that is losing air at a very. rapid. rate. Melissa threw it into drive and said she needed to find a spot with more space to change the tire. CHANGE THE TIRE?? OMG! Is she crazy?!!? We needed to find a boy. Boys change tires! But no boys were around. So Rachel saved the day and whipped out her Triple A card and with one quick phone call, the tire was fixed in no time flat. I said flat. heehee. Now we could sit down and have dinner and margaritas with time to spare before the show. I said spare. heehee.

They're smiling, but after I took this, they kicked my ass in the parking lot.

Dinner was delicious and the stories that were told were delicious too! You girls crack me up with the stuff we talk about. Just when I think I've heard it all, someone has something jucier than the last time. LOVE IT!

The show was of course, hilarious! They are always coming up with new bits, revolving around recent news or politics and even the bits they've done for years, still had me laughing outloud! For $25, you can't beat 2 hours of lol'ing with your girlfriends!

Oh. And one last thing. We stumbled into a crime scene while walking back to the car. And I of course had my camera ready to take pictures of any and all possible CSI activity. We did what anyone else would do and ducked under the yellow and black crime scene tape to check things out. Unfortunately, during our investigations, we didn't come across anything exciting. So we did the next best thing and committed our very own crime. Melissa, Tracie and Brenda re-enacted what they thought happened. And for some reason, they imagined a fist fight occurred, so Melissa punched Brenda while Tracey laughed. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what went down that night. We don't have very long rap sheets, so a fist fight seemed pretty crime-y to us. We were having a grand old time until a cop rushed over telling us to get the eff away. Evidently it was an active crime scene. Well excuuuuuse us. We ran off across the street, only after touching a whole bunch of stuff cuz, I mean come on... who gets the chance to say they've tampered with evidence at a crime scene. You should try it. It's lots of fun.

Brenda shows how it helps to squat prior to a punch.

Tracie: Are you sure he didn't he say "get IN the van" ??